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In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.
 John Adams

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
Gracie Allen

The mind starts working the moment you are born, and doesn't stop until you stand up to make a speech.
Steve Allen

Woody Allen

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception.
I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said "no."

I don't mind dying... as long as I don't have to be there when it happens.

If everything is under control, you're going too slow.
Mario Andretti

Isaac Asimov

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

It's not so much what you have to learn if you accept weird theories, it's what you have to unlearn.

When they discover the center of the universe, a lot of people will be disappointed to discover they are not it.
 Bernard Bailey

People used to explore the dimensions of reality by taking LSD to make the world look weird.
Now the world is weird and they take Prozac to make it look normal.

You don't get anything clean without getting something else dirty.
Cecil Baxter

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
Robert Benchley

Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago.
Bernard Berenson

Never answer an anonymous letter.
Lawrence Peter (Yogi) Berra

All are lunatics, but he who can analyse his delusions is called a philosopher.
Ambrose Bierce

Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.
Jim Bishop

Never express yourself more clearly than you are able to think.
Niels Bohr

You have to know how to accept rejection and reject acceptance.
Ray Bradbury

The world has achieved brilliance without conscience. Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
Gen. Omar Bradley

I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
Ashleigh Brilliant

Rita Mae Brown

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you.

One of the keys to happiness is a real bad memory.

If animals weren't meant to be eaten, then why are they made out of meat?

After one look at this planet any visitor from outer space would say "I want to see the manager."
William S. Burroughs

A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.
Samuel Butler

Ageing isn't that bad if you consider the alternatives.
Maurice Chevalier

Words are mere drops of water, but deeds are drops of gold.
Chinese Proverb

If you're ashamed of being a wallflower, imagine how the wall feels.
Jacob Churosh

Winston Churchill.

I am ready to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

If you're going through hell, keep going.

To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of whom are absent.
Robert Copeland

There are three ways to get something done; do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
Mona Crane

There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad.
Salvador Dali

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
Jim Davis

Don't try to solve serious matters in the middle of the night.
Philip K. Dick

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

The best advice I can give is to ignore advice. Life is too short to be distracted by the opinions of others.
Russell Edson

Albert Einstein

With fame I become more and more stupid, which of course is a very common phenomenon.

Men marry women with the hope they will never change.
Women marry men with the hope they will change.
Invaribly they are both disappointed.

Traditionally most of Australia's imports come from overseas.
Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

W. C. Fields

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Anatole France

Only men who are not interested in women are interested in women's clothes. Men who like women never notice what they wear.

The average man does not know what to do with his life, yet wants another one which will last forever.

Benjamin Franklin

He that is of the opinion money will do everything may well be suspected of doing everything for money.

Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.

Get the facts, or the facts will get you. And when you get them, get them right, or they will get you wrong.
Dr. Thomas Fuller

John Kenneth Galbraith

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error

My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil.
Paul Getty

Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.
Brendan Gill

Only the mediocre are always at their best.
Jean Giraudoux

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
Samuel Goldwyn

In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these.
Paul Harvey

I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image.
Stephen Hawking

Mitch Hedberg

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness.
Aldous Huxley

Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not original and the part that is original is not good.
Samuel Johnson

Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.
Lord Kelvin, 1895

The reason there is so little crime in Germany is that it's against the law.
Alex Levin

The technology life cycle has three stages: Hype, disillusionment, and application.
Bob Lewis

Where all think alike, no one thinks very much.
Walter Lippmann

An opinion should be the result of thought, not a substitute for it.
Jef Mallett

Groucho Marx

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter.
Someday I intend reading it.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

I find television very educating.
Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation'.
I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart.
[Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing .. if you can fake that, you've got it made.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he is a crook.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
Henry Louis (H. L.) Mencken

All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it.
H. L. Mencken

The more important fundamental laws and facts of physical science have all been discovered, and these are now so firmly established that the possibility of their ever being suplanted in consequence of new discoveries is exceedingly remote ... Our future discoveries must be looked for in the sixth place of decimals.
Albert A. Michelson, 1894

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Spike Milligan

Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that what he did was human nature.
A.A. Milne

Who knows?

What people think of me is none of my business!

An optimist will tell you the glass is half-full; the pessimist, half-empty; and the engineer will tell you the glass is twice the size it needs to be.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.

No one is listening until you fart.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Always remember you're unique.
Just like everyone else.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Most just don't have film.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark, and professionals built the Titanic.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting a falsehood, isn't it?

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you."
So I didn't.

Drive carefully, 90% of people are accidents.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not. A sense of humor to console him for what he is.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If hunters 'own' the wild animals and presume the right to shoot them, why don't people opposed to hunting have an equal right to say No?

Westerners have a watch
Easterners have the time.

All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.

Alternative Health proponents want it both ways: First they say your regular doctor doesn't know as much as they do and conventional medicine is a failure. Then they claim their products are 'clinically tested' and 'scientifically proven' to work.

As a cynic I generally expect the worst. I'm rarely disappointed.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

Why is it that as soon as politicians get elected they believe our money belongs to them?

Every day, self-proclaimed stock market "experts" tell us why the market just went up or down, as if they really knew.
So where were they yesterday?

A censor is someone who views pornography all day, but does not get corrupted even though he is certain you would be.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

Try not to let your mind wander...It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
So that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Politicians & diapers both need to be changed, and for the same reason

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ...
Then things get worse.

Don't follow me... I'm lost.

You can not make things fool-proof, because fools are such ingenious people

Eat right.
Stay fit.
Die anyway.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

The young wish to give their elders the full benefits of their inexperience.

People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and New Year,
but they really should be worried about what they eat between New Year and Christmas. 

Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange.
Robin Morgan

If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.
Ogden Nash

Doing nothing is very hard to do ... you never know when you're finished.
Leslie Nielsen

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
Ken Olson , President, Chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

George Orwell

Every generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it, and wiser than the one that comes after it.

On the whole human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time.

I write down everything I want to remember.
That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on.
Beryl Pfizer

My mother said to me, "If you are a soldier, you will become a general. If you are a monk, you will become the Pope."
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
Pablo Picasso


If you believe everything you read, better not read.

First man takes a bottle,
Then the bottle takes a bottle,
And finally the bottle takes the man!

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
Quentin Crisp

I'm Jewish. I don't work out.
If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

Will Rogers

It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Gentlemen, we have run out of money. It is time to start thinking.
Sir Ernest Rutherford

Lost in the past or lost in the future, you lost the present as well.

Why shouldn't things be largely absurd, futile, and tranistory?
They are so, and we are so, and they and we go very well together.
George Santayana

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
Arthur Schopenhauer

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.
Albert Schweitzer

The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable man persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.
George Bernard Shaw

You tried, and you failed, so the lesson is, never try.
Homer J. Simpson

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man.

The President has kept all the promises he intended to keep.
Clinton aide George Stephanopolous

A child becomes an adult when he realises that he has a right not only to be right but also to be wrong.
Thomas Szasz

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
Dave Thomas

Education ... has produced a vast population able to read but unable to distinguish what is worth reading.
G.M. Trevelyan

Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
Harry S. Truman

Mark Twain

Buy land. They've stopped making it.

What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.
Paul Valery

The things we know best are the things we haven't been taught.
Marquis de Vauvenargues

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
Bill Watterson

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
A. H. Weiler

As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...
Sir Norman Wisdom

Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

You cannot have everything. I mean, where would you put it?

Last updated: March 3, 2011

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