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The big corporations are suddenly taking notice of the web, and their reactions have been slow. Even the computer industry failed to see the importance of the Internet, but that's not saying much. Let's face it, the computer industry failed to see that the century would end
Douglas Adams fun funny computer jokes silly crazy

The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armor to lead all his customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly ignores the fact that it was he who by peddling second-hand, second-rate technology, led them all into it in the first place.
Douglas Adams

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
Isaac Asimov

HELP: The feature that assists in generating more questions.
When the Help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens.
They end up where they started from without learning a damn thing.

Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
Dick Brandon

I invented it, Bill made it famous.
David Bradley (wrote the code for Ctrl-Alt-Delete on the IBM PC)

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
Bradley's Bromide

Never ask what sort of computer a guy drives.
If he's a Mac user, he'll tell you.
If not, why embarrass him?
Tom Clancy

When I took office, only high energy physicists had ever heard of what is called the Worldwide Web....
Now even my cat has its own page.
Bill Clinton

I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image.
Stephen Hawking

Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as frustrating as reading sex manuals without the software.
Arthur C. Clarke (Clarke's 69th Law, The Odyssey File, 1984)


I think computer viruses should count as life.
I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive.
We've created life in our own image.
Stephen Hawking

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. ''House'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa."Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lápiz."
A student asked, "What gender is computer?"
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun.
Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computadora"), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women''s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ("el computador"), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can''t think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
5. If you try to make them do too many things at the same time they crash.
6. Repairing them is usually more difficult than getting a new one.

The women won.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Rich Cook

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
Robert X. Cringely

The only way to make your PC go faster is to throw it out a window.
Robert Paul

Although the Buddhists will tell you that desire is the root of suffering, my personal experience leads me to point the finger at system administration.
Philip Greenspun

So we went to Atari and said, `Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, `No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, `Hey, we don't need you. You haven't got through college yet.'
Steve Jobs, founder of Apple Computer Inc. on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his personal computer.

Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can praise them, disagree with them, quote them, disbelieve them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They invent. They imagine. They heal. They explore. They create. They inspire. They push the human race forward. Maybe they have to be crazy. How else can you stare at an empty canvas and see a work of art? Or sit in silence and hear a song that’s never been written? Or gaze at a red planet and see a laboratory on wheels?We make tools for these kinds of people. While some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.
Apple Computer Advertisement

I'm not one of those who think Bill Gates is the devil. I simply suspect that if Microsoft ever met up with the devil, it wouldn't need an interpreter. Nicholas Petreley

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943

I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year.
Prentice Hall, editor in charge of business books, 1957

But what ... is it good for?
Anonymous engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.

I think computer viruses should count as life. I think it says something about human nature that the only form of life we have created so far is purely destructive. We've created life in our own image.
Stephen Hawking

What about a well-educated vegetarian cat?

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft.... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
Wernher von Braun

Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.
Brian W. Kernighan

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.
Pablo Picasso

Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vaccuum tubes and perhaps weigh 1.5 tons.
unknown, Popular Mechanics, March 1949

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
Ken Olson , President, Chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

640Kb ought to be enough for anybody.
Bill Gates, 1981

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way.
This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.
Jef Raskin

Andy Rooney

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

I don't care what it is, when it has an LCD screen, it makes it better.
Kevin Rose

With all the talk about viruses, worms, giant networks, cyber-terrorism and robot-spiders, don't you ever feel your office is a bad science fiction movie?

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.
Michael Sinz

In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would have taken many men many months to equal it.

Software is like sex: It's better when it's free.
Linus Torvalds

shitty computer

The good news: Computers allow us to work 100% faster.
The bad news: They generate 300% more work.

Inter-what? Some real-life questions to help-desks.

"I'd like to buy the Internet. Do you know how much it is?"

"Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"

"I would like an Internet please."

"I just got your Internet in the mail today..."

"I just downloaded the Internet. How do I use it?"

"I don't have a computer at home. Is the Internet available in book form?"

"Will the Internet be open on Memorial Day tomorrow?"

"We're getting an Internet from you. Are you guys having any problems sending out your Internets?"

"The Internet is running too slow. Could you reboot it please?"

"We're going on holiday for three months, can you suspend the Internet for us please?"

"I have a problem with my Internet. Anyone know how to get the screens smaller?"

"I lost my Internet. I switched it off last night and turned on this morning, and it's gone. I just paid $19.95 a month, and I have lost it already. Can you send me another one?"

"The Internet site is giving me a busy signal!"

"Every time I call you I get disconnected from the Internet!"

There are only 10 types of people in the world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't.

If builders built houses the way programmers built programs, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
Gerald Weinberg

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
Robert Wilensky

As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs.
Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949

Last updated: February 17, 2011

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