funny & wise quotes and jokes

Wisdom & Fun
Quotes Collection

Funny, Silly & Crazy Quotes & Jokes

silly, funny & cazy quotations


 Wisdom Quotes

 Wisdom Quotations
 Buddhist Quotations
 Dalai Lama Quotes
 Fun Quotes  

 Funny Quotes
 Funny Dictionary
 Historic Blunders
 Computer Zen
 Computer Crazy
 It's the Economy, Stupid!
 Silly Science
 Plain Stupid, or is it?

 Psycho Psychology

 Odd Language
 Men, Women & Trouble
 Men from Mars,
      Women from Venus

 Funny Wisdom Quotes  

 Common Sense
 Zenny Funny

 Funny Dictionary
 Spiritual Fun
 Buddhist Jokes
 Old Age & Death

 Ironic Stuff.
 A Taste of Irony
 Media and Journalism
 War & the Military
 My Other Websites  
 A View on Buddhism
 Kalachakra Network   
 Other Websites I helped  
 Berzin Archives
 Jonang Foundation
 Lamadans (Dutch)
 Boeddhaboeken (Dutch)
 Maitreya Instituut (Dutch) (Dutch)
 Piano stemmen (Dutch)
 Other Links  

Drive carefully, 90% of people are accidents.

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong,
is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.

There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.

Douglas Adams

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception.
I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said "no."
Woody Allen

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order.
Brian Pickrell
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
Frank Zappa

I have a mind like a steel trap. Stuff gets in there and WHAM! it never gets back out again.
Bill Austin

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.'
The doctor says, 'It's old age.'
The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.'
The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already!

Tommy Cooper

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
Ursula K. LeGuin

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.
Samuel Butler

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
Carl Sagan

People used to explore the dimensions of reality by taking LSD to make the world look weird.
Now the world is weird and they take Prozac to make it look normal.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Redd Foxx

Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.
Gordon R. Dickson

One of the lessons of history is that Nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.
Will Durant

Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting a falsehood, isn't it?

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
Eric Morecambe

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
Rita Mae Brown

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Carl Gustav Jung

I never set out to be weird. It was always the other people who called me weird.
Frank Zappa

If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.
Ogden Nash

Science may be described as the art of systematic over-simplification.
Sir Karl Raymund Popper

Isn't it strange? The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously.
Cincinnati Enquirer

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. No use being a damned fool about it.

W. C. Fields

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
Dale Carnegie

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
Will Rogers

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
Dave Thomas

God gave us a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time.
Robin Williams

Ageing isn't that bad if you consider the alternatives.
Maurice Chevalier

The difference between genius and insanity is that genius has its limits.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Men marry women with the hope they will never change.
Women marry men with the hope they will change.
Invaribly they are both disappointed.

Albert Einstein

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
George Carlen

I can give you a definite perhaps.

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

Samuel Goldwyn

Is it progress if a cannibal uses knife and fork?
Stanislaw Lec

Philosophy consists very largely of one philosopher arguing that all other philosophers are jackasses.
He usually proves it, and I should add that he also usually proves that he is one himself.

Immorality: The morality of those who are having a better time.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

Henry Louis (H. L.) Mencken

There is a level of cowardice lower than that of the conformist: the fashionable non-conformist.
Ayn Rand

A human being. . . An ingenious assembly of portable plumbing.
Christopher Morley

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Spike Milligan

Are you trying to tell all of us we have a bad signal-to-noise ratio?

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

If you believe everything you read, better not read.
Japanese proverb

Man can always be relied upon to exert, with vigour, his ... right to be stupid
Dean Koontz

Nature gave us one tongue and two ears
so we could hear twice as much as we speak.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.
I told him, 'If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion.'
He said, 'Alright.... you're ugly too!'
Rodney Dangerfield

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
William James

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

Buy land. They've stopped making it.

In the first place God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

Noise proves nothing - often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.

Mark Twain

We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.
Colonel Gerald Wellman

The less we know, the longer the explanation.

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
Winston Churchill

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
Bill Watterson

Opinions are like feet. Everybody's got a couple, and they usually stink.
Jim Slattery

To confine our attention to terrestrial matters would be to limit the human spirit.
Stephen W. Hawking

Life is like a roll of toilet paper; hopefully long and useful, but it always ends at the wrong moment.


Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.

Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

No one is listening until you fart.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most!

Life is a sexually transmitted disease

If hunters 'own' the wild animals and presume the right to shoot them, why don't people opposed to hunting have an equal right to say No?

Alternative Health proponents want it both ways: First they say your regular doctor doesn't know as much as they do and conventional medicine is a failure. Then they claim their products are 'clinically tested' and 'scientifically proven' to work.

As a cynic I generally expect the worst. I'm rarely disappointed.

Why is it that as soon as politicians get elected they believe our money belongs to them?

Every day, self-proclaimed stock market "experts" tell us why the market just went up or down, as if they really knew.
So where were they yesterday?

A censor is someone who views pornography all day, but does not get corrupted even though he is certain you would be.

I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

^Top of Page


A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

A man is as young as the woman he feels.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches.
We'll have to buy them ready made.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter.
Someday I intend reading it.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends ... may they never meet!

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

I find television very educating.
Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I know, I know - you're a woman who's had a lot of tough breaks.
Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation'.
I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart.
[Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put 'Emily, I love you' on the back of the bill.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing .. if you can fake that, you've got it made.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he is a crook.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Time wounds all heels.

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Women should be obscene and not heard.

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

Last updated: August 24, 2010

fun funny silly quotation crazy joy wisdom jokes