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The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
Noelie Altito

Most people would rather be certain they're miserable than risk being happy.
Robert Anthony

One drink is too many for me and a thousand not enough.
Brendan F. Behan

Half the work that is done in this world is to make things appear what they are not.
Elias Root Beadle

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
Paul Beatty

The significance of man is that he is insignificant and is aware of it.
Carl Becker

Ambrose Bierce

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum (I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.)

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

There is nothing new under the sun but there are lots of old things we don't know.

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers.
Daniel J. Boorstin

The most important service rendered by the press and the magazines is that of educating people to approach printed matter with distrust.
Samuel Butler (1612-1680)

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

It is respectable to have no illusions, and safe, and profitable and dull.
Joseph Conrad

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.'
The doctor says, 'It's old age.'
The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.'
The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
Tommy Cooper

Health consists of having the same diseases as one's neighbors.
Quentin Crisp

The really frightening thing about middle age is that you know you'll grow out of it.
Doris Day

Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.
Philip K. Dick

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

Nice people have to be bastards every once in a while so that others can fully appreciate their gentle, loving nature.

You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic.
 Doris Egan

With fame I become more and more stupid, which of course is a very common phenomenon.
Albert Einstein

Never be afraid to laugh at yourself, after all, you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
Dame Edna Everage

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. Fields

He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable.
Now he's miserable and depressed.
David Frost

Many would be cowards if they had courage enough.
Thomas Fuller

It is astounding to realize that perhaps half of all human knowledge has been discovered or created in the past century. But then again, so has half the bullshit.
D. H. Futterman, circa 1988

When I am right, I get angry. Churchill gets angry when he is wrong. So we were often angry at each other.
Charles De Gaulle

I have long been of the opinion that if work were such a splendid thing the rich would have kept more of it for themselves.
Bruce Grocott

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
Ursula K. LeGuin

Count Hermann Keyserling once said truly that the greatest American superstition was the belief in facts.
John Gunther

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
Lucille S. Harper

A cynic is not merely one who reads bitter lessons from the past, he is one who is prematurely disappointed in the future.
 Sidney J. Harris

Things are not only what they are. They are, in very important respects, what they seem to be.
Hubert H. Humphrey

A great many people think they are thinking when they are really rearranging their prejudices.
William James

Large increases in cost with questionable increases in performance can be tolerated only in race horses and fancy women.
Lord Kelvin

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Fletcher Knebel

Advice to writers: Sometimes you just have to stop writing. Even before you begin.
Stanislaw J. Lec

I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up.
Tom Lehrer

You must learn from the mistakes of others. You can't possibly live long enough to make them all yourself.
 Sam Levenson

You can fool all of the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.
Joseph E. Levine

I drink to forget I drink.
Joe E. Lewis

Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
Don Marquis

Man cannot make a worm, yet he will make gods by the dozen.
Michel Eyquem de Montaigne

One of the functions of intelligence is to take account of the dangers that come from trusting solely to the intelligence.
Lewis Mumford

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.
PJ O'Rourke

Truth often suffers more by the heat of its defenders than from the arguments of its opposers.
Admiral William Penn

I hate life, I hate death and everything in between just doesn't interest me.
Chris Rapier

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
Rita Rudner

Bertrand Russell

The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence whatever that it is not utterly absurd; indeed in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, a widespread belief is more likely to be foolish than sensible.

This is one of those views which are so absolutely absurd that only very learned men could possibly adopt them.

He is indebted to his memory for his jests and to his imagination for his facts.
Richard Brinsley Sheridan

I dream for a living.
Steven Spielberg

No matter how cynical you get, it is impossible to keep up.
Lily Tomlin

If you insist on measuring yourself, place the tape around your heart rather than your head.
Carol Trabelle

Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it.
Harry S. Truman

Mark Twain (1835-1910)

I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.'
They all left town immediately.

A man is never more truthful than when he acknowledges himself a liar.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first.


Illiterate? Write today for free help.

If ignorance is bliss, why are not much more people happy?

Talk is cheap because the supply outweighs the demand.

Laugh at your problems.
Everyone else does.

Without order nothing can exist - without chaos nothing can evolve.

Remember, every time you open your mouth to talk, your mind walks out and parades up and down the words.

A man who desires revenge should dig two graves.

When you're arguing with a fool, make sure he isn't doing the same thing.

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.

A recent survey has opened a disturbing window into American culture: We have a large number of cannibals in this country. When asked what they were having for Thanksgiving dinner this year, 37% of those polled said "relatives."

If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.

How many racists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None - they don't want to be enlightened!

How many Buddhists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None - they get enlightened themselves.

That which has always been accepted by everyone, everywhere, is almost certain to be false.
Paul Valery

Bill Vaughan

An optimist stays up to see the New Year in. A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves.

It might be a good idea if the various countries of the world would occasionally swap history books, just to see what other people are doing with the same set of facts.

The large print giveth, and the small print taketh away.
Tom Wait

Remember, it doesn't matter whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
Darrin Weinberg

The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.
George F. Will

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
Mary Wilson Little

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

Idealism is what precedes experience; cynicism is what follows.
David T. Wolf

Last updated: September 1, 2010

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