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This is a highly serious and philosophical subject, so let's first get our definitions right:
Dating: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. For women: trying to find a rich prince, to marry, and have children. For men: trying to have sex.
Divorce: 1) future tense of marriage. 2) Postgraduate in school of love. 3) An extra difficult time at the end of a couple’s married life where they are forced to deal with bad feelings, bad lawyers, and everyone wanting more money. 4) America's great contribution to marriage. Edward Fawcett
Divorce lawyer: a lawyer whose primary responsibility is to make sure you get half and he gets the other half.
Exercise: For women: to walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. For men: desperate physical exertion to increase the chances for sex.
Family planning: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
Impregnable: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Indifference: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".
Kissing: a means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other. Works the opposite way between teenagers and parents.
Lipstick: Non-sticking coloring for the lips to enhance the beauty of your mouth. Found on his collar, mouth coloring only a tramp would wear
Love: 1) Temporary insanity curable by marriage. Ambrose Bierce. 2) A feeling dogs can show by wagging their tail. If lucky, a human will feed them in return. 3) Friendship set on fire Jeremy Taylor 4) The irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. Mark Twain
Marriage: 1) a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? Henry L Mencken 2) The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two. Ambrose Bierce 3) The process of finding out what type of person your spouse would prefer. 4) Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. 5) Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
Men: 1) the male of the human race is commonly known (to the female) as Mere Man. The genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers. Ambrose Bierce 2) a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained by women to do most things. Jilly Cooper
Nymphomaniac: A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
Panties: The last defense on the front lines of desire.
Quiet: a state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
Sex: 1) activity of a mouse to become mice. 2) activity of men to cause happiness, and of women to cause child-labor
Women: the only oppressed group in society that lives in intimate association with their opressors. Evelyn Cunningham
My toughest fight was with my first wife.
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception.
I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said "no."
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men.
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing.
Men marry women with the hope they will never change.
Women marry men with the hope they will change.
Invaribly they are both disappointed.
The great question - which I have not been able to answer - is, "What does a woman want?"
I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?
Zsa Zsa Gabor
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
Lyndon B. Johnson
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Here's to our wives and girlfriends ... may they never meet!
How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably more than she ever did.
Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put 'Emily, I love you' on the back of the bill.
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
Women should be obscene and not heard.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
Henry Louis (H. L.) Mencken
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.
I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
My computer dating bureau came up with a perfect gentleman. Still, I've got another three goes.
A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.
There are two theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
Homer J Simpson
Red Skelton's Formula for a Good Marriage:
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food, and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere--but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling: "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said: "No, jump in!"
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said: "Dust!"
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man.
What would men be without women?
Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
Girl: "Say you love me! Say you love me!"
Boy: "You love me.."
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness. The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church.
Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!!
Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence.
This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can havemine."
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married.
Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Young son: "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: "Will I be acquitted?"
First guy: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?''
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all,"
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.''
On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2 German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman 2 English men and 1 English woman 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman 2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman 2 American men and 1 American woman 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred.
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman endlessly complains about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her arse look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and setup a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
A doctor was addressing a large audience: "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous. None of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said: "Wedding Cake."
A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether regions and gives the key to his best friend.
He tells him, “If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life.”
So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend.
“What's wrong?' ” he asks.
“You gave me the wrong key!”
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
I think, therefore I’m single.
52 Reasons To Have A Beer Over A Woman
1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.
4. Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play football.
5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
8. Hangovers go away.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with another beer.
14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
15. A beer always goes down easy.
16. You can have more than one beer in a night, and not feel guilty.
17. You can share a beer with your friends.
18. You always know when you're the first one to pop a beer.
19. Beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. You can have a beer in public.
22. A beer doesn't care when you come.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. If you change beers you don't have to pay alimony.
25. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
26. You can't catch social diseases from a beer.
27. When you're interrupted by a beer, it's for a good reason.
28. A beer is always satisfying.
29. A beer gets lighter the longer you hold it.
30. A beer won't tell you it's pregnant for fun.
31. A beer doesn't have in-laws.
32. No matter what the package, a beer still looks good.
33. To cool off a beer, all you have to do is put it in the ice box.
34. All you have to do to get over a beer is take a leak.
35. Beer doesn't complain about farting.
36. The only thing a beer tells you is when it's time to go to the bathroom.
37. You are never embarrassed about the beer you bring to a party.
38. It's okay to leave a party with a different beer than you arrived with.
39. Beer won't drive you to drink.
40. You can shoot a beer.
41. A beer chaser is easy to catch.
42. You don't need a license to live with a beer.
43. A tree is good enough for a beer.
44. Beer doesn't grow hair where it shouldn't.
45. Beer doesn't care how much you earn.
46. Beer and Ice don't mix.
47. Beer won't complain about your choice of vacation.
48. Beer doesn't care if you go to sleep right after you've had it.
49. Beer is happy to ride in the trunk of your car.
50. You never have to promise to respect a beer in the morning.
51. Beer never complains about the wet spot.
52. You can put all your old beers in one room, and they won't fight.
Don't forget to visit the page Men are from Mars, women from Venus if you ever want to understand the other sex!
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