Dalai Lama Quotes
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Taste of Irony
Media and Journalism
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Maitreya Instituut (Dutch)
Piano stemmen (Dutch)
Some essential things to know about the other (and your own) sex....
Only men who are not interested in women are interested in women's clothes.
Men who like women never notice what they wear.
The Moods of a Woman
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
The Moods of a Man
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country.
How to Impress a Woman
* Wine her,
* Dine her,
* Call her,
* Hug her,
* Support her,
* Hold her,
* Surprise her,
* Compliment her,
* Smile at her,
* Listen to her,
* Laugh with her,
* Cry with her,
* Romance her,
* Encourage her,
* Believe in her,
* Pray with her,
* Pray for her,
* Cuddle with her,
* Shop with her,
* Give her jewelry,
* Buy her flowers,
* Hold her hand,
* Write love letters to her,
* Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.
How to Impress a Man
* Show up naked
* Bring food
* Dont block the TV
My computer dating bureau came up with a perfect gentleman. Still, I've got another three goes.
There are two theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
A man thinks that by mouthing hard words he understands hard things.
I hate women because they always know where things are.
Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily this is not difficult.
'Mowing' the Grass
The power mower was broken and wouldn't run. The wife kept hinting to her husband that he should get it fixed. But, somehow the message never sank in. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When her husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments. When he came out again, he handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass." he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks."
The doctors say he will probably walk again, but he will always limp.
Yes, Men Are Happier!
Yes, men are happier!
Men are just happier people. What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station
restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress, $5000. Tux rental, $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars and bottles.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
Wrinkles in clothes are invisible.
Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, probably decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck, and there are even exceptions possible to that.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can ''do'' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
10 Downfalls Of Manhood
1. You have to take out the garbage.
2. The Ferrari 550 Maranello lists way over $200,000.
3. No sofas in your rest rooms.
4. External genitalia are vulnerable to knees and fastballs.
5. Even if you get your head caught in an industrial woodchipper, you're not allowed to cry.
6. James Bond movies only come out every two years.
7. Ribbed for her pleasure, not yours.
8. You have to wear ties.
9. You can't flirt your way out of a jam.
10. "Women and children first"
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night....... whether you're here or not."
NEW EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!!!
ALL ARE WELCOME - OPEN TO MEN ONLY
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS: DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE: DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
LOSS OF VIRILITY
Losing the remote control to your significant other - Help line and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum
EMPTY MILK CARTONS: DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT: LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Instructions how to have a happy marriage.
Women's Training Courses
Long awaited training courses are now finally available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
A new two year degree is being offered at Life University,
BECOMING A REAL MAN.
That’s right, in just six quarters, you too can be a real man.
SECOND YEAR Fall Schedule Fall Schedule:
MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS- Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas
SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It’s Awake, Take A Shower
MEN 201 How To Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 202 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding The Female Response To Getting In At 4AM
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn’t End With Conception
MEN 113 Get A Life, Learn To Cook
MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
MEN 212 You Too, Can Be A Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest - You Don’t Look Like Tom Cruise - Especially Naked
Spring Schedule: Spring Schedule:
MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like An Asshole When You’re Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, The Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons To Give Flowers
MEN 220 Omitting @#%~&*! From Your Vocabulary
MEN 221 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask For Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes Of Begging Is Not Considered Foreplay
What happens to me when I turn on my Tom Cruise charm:
Me: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Me: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Me: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Me: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Me: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Me: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Me: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Me: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing
Am I doing something wrong?
Essential tips for men and women
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
A store that sells husbands has just opened, where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor, you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.
So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband...
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," so she goes to the fourth floor, and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, loves kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!"
So she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted she runs to the sixth floor and sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart's Husband Store.
Advice for Women
1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
2. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
3. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
4. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
5. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put the mall there.
6. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
7. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.
8. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.
9. Never sleep with a man who's named his penis.
10. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.
11. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.
12. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
13. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
14. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
15. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
16. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
17. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
18. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
19. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually "Oh all right, I'll stay the night."
Scientists at MIT (Mammary Institute of Technology) have discovered a new force, quite possibly the most powerful yet. Researchers have dubbed this new force "breast gravity." It is the nearly irresistible force that draws men’s eyes down to women’s breasts.
"The idea came to me out of the blue," says team leader Frank Leerer. "I was walking along the beach with a colleague of mine, and we saw a woman in a string bikini. ‘Check out the globes on her!’ he said. That’s when the idea hit me like a brick house."
Theorists have been working around the clock to explain the biophysical mechanism behind the phenomenon. It is believed that like the other fundamental forces of the universe, breast gravity is mediated by an elementary particle. MIT scientists have named this theoretical particle the "boobon."
Many aspects of the new force have now been determined empirically. It is known that breast gravity grows exponentially with breast size. Also, experimentalists think that many materials must absorb boobons, because layers of clothing can significantly decrease the force. (A large parka can sometimes nullify the effect completely.)
Still, there are mysteries yet to be solved. For example, why are almost all men’s eyes affected, but only a small fraction of women’s? How can it be that the force is transmitted even through televised and printed images of breasts?
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.
The rest cheat in Europe.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
Because they don’t have balls to scratch.
What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six-pack of beer.
How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
I married a girl of the Right family.
I just didn't know her first name was ''Always.''
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?
Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb.
They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT.
They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT.
And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.
But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs,
TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!
AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?!
BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!
IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
I’m sorry... what did you ask me?
What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One . . . . . men will screw anything.
What is a man’s idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up.
How can you tell if a man is happy?
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
No one knows. . . . . .It’s never been done.
How are men and parking spaces alike?
The good ones are already taken, and the ones left are handicapped.
What is a man’s idea of helping you with housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
What is the difference between men and E.T.?
E.T. called home.
Do you know why there’s a hole in a man’s penis?
So he can get air to his brain.
How do you save a man from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
How is a man like linoleum?
If you lay him right the first time, you can walk all over him for the next twenty years.
27 Important trivia about men
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. Men who have tattoos think they have a piece of artwork on them. Yeah, like a flaming skull is art?
4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.
10 Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally.
11 Men have an easier time buying bathing suits, Women have two types: depressing and more depressing Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
12 Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
13 Women take clothing much more seriously than men I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh no, I'm so embarrassed; I've got to get out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
14 Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
15 If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
16 If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr Right," if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
17 No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
18 When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
19 When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
20 Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.
21 Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"
22 If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget.. He didn't lose your number.. He didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
23 Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis I asked him, "Are we going to have fun again?" He said, "Maybe.. next year."
24 Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you.. I want to marry you.. I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
25 Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super- heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
26 Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to flirt with young girls and drive motorcycles.
27 Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports They've already forgotten what happened.
Women and having babies
1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
Preparing for the Birth:
1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.
1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
1st baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Swallowing Coins (a favorite):
1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
Explaining Women...and Men
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.
The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Share this with other women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked!
Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Women, It All Makes Sense Now
Okay, Okay, it finally all makes sense now. I never looked at it this way before:
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?
Send this to all the women you know to brighten their day.
Send this to all the men just to annoy them.
Men are like...
Men are like... place mats. They only show up when there’s food on the table.
Men are like... mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like... bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like... government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like... parking spots. All the good ones are taken.
Men are like... copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that’s about it.
Men are like... lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like... bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.
Men are like... high heels. They’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like... miniskirts. If you’re not careful, they’ll creep up your legs.
Woman's dictionary; essential knowledge for men!
Lesson 1 - The Basics
- Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
- Five minutes: If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
- Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with ''Nothing'' usually end in "Fine".
- Go ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
- Loud sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."
- That's OK: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
- Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
- Whatever: It's a woman's way of saying: "*!#@ YOU"
Lesson 2 - The Tricky Ones
- Pay close attention: there will be a quiz later.
- We need to talk: I need to complain
- You’re ... so manly: You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
- You’re certainly attentive tonight: Is sex all you ever think about?
- I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting!: I’m on my period.
- I heard a noise: I noticed you were almost asleep.
- Do you love me?: I’m going to ask for something expensive. Can occasionally mean the same as 'How much do you love me?'
- How much do you love me?: I wrecked the car on the parking lot.
- I’ll be ready in a minute.: Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
- Do you like this recipe?: It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it.
- Was that the baby?: Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
- I’m not yelling!:Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
Lesson 3 - Philosophy
- I need wedding shoes: the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
- Be romantic, turn out the lights: I have flabby thighs.
- Are you listening to me!?: Too late, you’re dead.
- You have to learn to communicate: Just agree with me, or else....
- This kitchen is so inconvenient: I want a new house.
- I want new curtains: and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper....., and what about a new house?
- Is my butt fat?: Tell me I’m beautiful.
Lesson 4 - Advanced classes
- Yes: No
- No: No
- Maybe: No
- I’m sorry.: You’ll be sorry.
- You want: You want
- We need: I want
- It’s your decision: The correct decision should be obvious by now.
- Do what you want: You’ll pay for this later.
- Sure... go ahead: I don’t want you to.
- I’m not upset: Of course I’m upset, you moron!
- Hang the picture there: NO, I mean hang it there! Or there. Or there perhaps?
- All we’re going to buy is a soap dish: It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
Extra class - The answer to "What’s wrong?"
- The same old thing: Nothing
- Nothing: Everything
- Everything: My PMS is acting up
- Nothing, really: It’s just that you’re such an asshole
- I don’t want to talk about it: Go away, I’m still building up steam.
The right one
A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"
The Jewish mother replies, "I don't like her."
Women's T-Shirt Sayings
Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing: 6 minutes.
I hate everybody, and you're next.
Please don't make me kill you.
And your point is...?
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.
You KNOW you want me.
Don't worry. It'll only seem kinky the first time...
Of course I don't look busy... I did it right the first time.
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
You, me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?
Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
Nobody knows I'm not wearing underwear.
I'm out of estrogen and I have a gun.
What does a woman want?
- Women prefer the simple things in life...like men.
- Boys will be boys but one day all girls will be women.
- I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.
- The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.
- What’s the difference between men and pigs?...Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.
- The average man is proof enough that women can take a joke.
- Boys will be boys, but men are better at it.
- What do you call a man who has lost 98% of his brain?...A widower.
- They put one man on the moon. Why can’t they put them all there?
- What’s an orgasm, Mom? I don’t know...ask your father.
- If you catch a man...throw him back.
- Men call us birds, is that because of all the worms we pick up?
- What is the useless bit of skin on a penis?...A man
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart, and strong
One who loves to listen long;
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
As I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens doors,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Please send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows how to respond to "how big is my behind?"
I pray this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs,
who owns a liquor store and a fishing boat.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a heck.
A prominent American reporter did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From the reporter's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old sexist custom.
The reporter approached one of the Afghan women and asked, "Why do you now seem content with this old custom that indicates women's inferiority to men?"
The woman looked the reporter straight in the eye, and without hesitation, replied: "Land mines."
General Female Rules
These Rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
No MALE can possibly know all The Rules.
If the FEMALE suspects the MALE knows The Rules, she must immediately change The Rules.
The FEMALE is never wrong.
If the FEMALE is mistaken, it is a direct result of something the MALE did or said wrong.
The MALE must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding.
The FEMALE may change her mind at any time.
The MALE must never change his mind without the written consent of the FEMALE
The FEMALE has the right to be upset or angry at any time.
The MALE must remain calm at all times, unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry and/or upset.
If the FEMALE has PMS, all The Rules are null and void.
The MALE is expected to mind read constantly and act accordingly.
Any attempt to document The Rules could result in actual bodily harm.
The MALE who doesn't abide by The Rules can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a whimp.
General Male Rules
1. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
2. If you don’t want to dress like Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
3. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
4. It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
5. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
6. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
7. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.
8. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
9. Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.
10. Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
11. When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying, "This is our exit?" is not necessary.
12. Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffective than deceived.
The Old Farmer and His Pond
An old man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a big pond in the back, fixed up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a 5-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he got closer, he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of he women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up, he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Using The ATM
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN and account
4. Take cash, card and receipt
5. Drive away
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Back up and pull forward to get closer
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it.
9. Enter PIN
10. Study instructions.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Drive 3 miles
41. Release parking brake
Creating Adam and Eve
God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over and couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He thought He might just as well ask them.
He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.
"It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."
Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!"
On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it.
So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up. Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."
"What's it called?" asked Eve.
"Brains," said God.
Top 10 Things Only Women Understand
10. Why it's good to have five pairs of black shoes.
9. The difference between cream, ivory, and off-white.
8. Crying can be fun.
7. Fat clothes.
6. A salad, diet drink, and a hot fudge sundae make a balanced lunch.
5. Discovering a designer dress on the clearance rack can be considered a peak life experience.
4. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
3. A good man might be hard to find, but a good hairdresser is next to impossible.
2. Why a phone call between two women never lasts under ten minutes.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND:
15 Laws For Women To Live By
1. Don’t imagine you can change a man
- unless he’s in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon
- they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man’s mind wander
- it’s too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men.
You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same
- they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don’t make fools of men
- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something
- suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind
- but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man
- look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years.
Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in,
- tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes,
it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
30 Facts About Men
1. Why does a man have a clear conscience?
Because it's never used.
2. Why are men so happy?
Because ignorance is bliss.
3. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man then for a women?
Because when it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
4. If a man and a woman fell off a 10-story building at the same time,who would reach the ground first?
The woman, the man would get lost.
5. How are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word either one of them says and they both last about 60 seconds.
6. How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a woman in a bikini.
7. What do you call a man with half a brain?
8. What's the difference between government bonds and men?
9. What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.
10. What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business.
11. What do you call an intelligent man in America?
12. If men got pregnant ....
Psychiatric Services and serious pain killers would be available in convenience stores and drive-through windows.
13. Did you hear about the man who won the gold medal at the Olympics?
He had it bronzed.
14. What is gross stupidity?
144 men in one room.
15. How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.
16. How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable."
17. Only a man would buy a $500 car and put a $4000 stereo in it.
18. What does a man consider to be quality time with his wife?
Pulling the sheets over her head and saying, "Great chili, Babe!"
19. A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
20. What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
21. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
22. Why don't men have mid-life crises?
They stay stuck in adolescence.
23. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
24. How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
At the circus the clowns don't talk.
25. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
26. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
27. Why do bachelors like smart women?
28. Why are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don't work half the time.
29. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
30. What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women.
Urges of men and women
I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. And I never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart. And I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words "I do."
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT???"
So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dread. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing was going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.
The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on three different, very expensive outfits. She could not decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200.00 a pair to which I say OK. And then we go to the jewellery department where she gets a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you. She was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she does not even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this, and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go to the cash register."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face. It went completely blank. I then said, "Really, honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."
I figure that I won't be having sex again until some time after the Spring of 2015 but godammit it was worth it.
Men vs Women
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item that she doesn't want.
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
Men marry because they are tired.
Women marry because they are curious.
Both are disappointed.
MARRIAGE AND THE FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband,
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her.
A man cherishes the memory of the woman who he didn't marry.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
WHAT A WOMAN WANTS:
Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy...
- One is to let her think she is having her own way.
- The other is to let her have it.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes
- no use two people remembering the same thing.
A woman always has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
What I Want In A Man, ORIGINAL List
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover
What I Want In A Man, REVISED List
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Works steady
4. Doesn't nod off while I'm emoting
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on weekends
Why Men Can't Win
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it's exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist pig, you bastard.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're an egotist.
If you're not, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.
From the BBC website:
THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN WOMEN AND MEN MEN WOMEN Men have no opinions about curtains.
Only women can understand other women.
Men can store useless information. Like the top speed of a car they are never going to drive, let alone own.
Women keep carrier bags hidden away in a cupboard. They even keep carrier bags within carrier bags.!
Men have a gene which makes them blissfully unaware of impending emotional outbursts, but which sometimes backfires resulting in the registering of physical pain.
If you told a woman that you had just returned from a trip to the surface of the Moon, she would show her interest by asking who you had gone with.
Men can balance an infinite amount of rubbish in the bin, without noticing it is full.
Yvonne Eccles, England
Woman have the diary gene. (And no, they do not make your bums look big).
Ben Appleby, UK
Men do not even bother to look for something, then ask where it is and hope that it was the woman who put it away
Kate , Isle of Man
Women have an ability to make men think they are in charge.
When faced with flat-pack furniture, men never read the manual. Yet they spend hours reading manuals for cars or bikes they will never own.
Women do not get turned on at the thought of two men together.
Donna, South Africa
Men can watch six different channels at the same time and know the name of none of the programmes they claim to be following
Niamh Brown, Singapore
Women have the 'we must name our car-gene'.
Men manage to sit in public places with their legs wide open without noticing how startlingly unattractive it is and how they get in the way.
Jane Penrose, UK
Women have a built in calendar gene - we remember birthdays, anniversaries and appointments effortlessly.
Men have an 'anorak-gene', which triggers a lecture on thermo dynamics when asked a simple question requiring a yes or no answer
Women put things on the bottom stair to take up next time she has to go upstairs. Men just step over them until told to pick them up
Karen Kelsey, UK
Men have the capacity to sleep through most sounds, whether it is a baby crying, dog barking, or doorbell ringing.
Women could never invent weapons that kill, only ones that make you feel really bad and guilty until you surrender
Men refuse to pay more than £5.00 for a hair cut as it is not that important.
Women order rice and eat men's chips.
Men know that common house spiders are far less dangerous than scorpions.
John S, UK
Women have the take things personally gene.
Men can watch an entire film without having to ask who is that, what does he do?
Women parallel process, men parallel park.
A man can choose and buy a pair of shoes in 90 seconds over the internet.
Women have the 'If you need to be told I am not going to tell you' gene
David Bergin, Switzerland
Men have the ability to make a la, la, la, not listening face.
Laura Humphreys, England
Women enjoy planning a wedding.
Tom Howes, UK
Men have the 'shed-gene', where being locked up in a small wooden structure in quiet contemplation with a collection of garden equipment counts as stimulating entertainment.
Women are the only ones with the 'noticing-gene' - we notice when something is dirty/nearly empty/out of place and then we bring into play the doing 'something about it now-gene'!
Sarah Wilson, UK
Men have a gene which enables them to answer any question, no matter how complex or important, with Mmm.
Girls cannot climb trees. Furthermore, they cannot be in my gang.
Dominic Green, UK
Men can drive without having to look at themselves in the mirror.
Christian Paterson, France
Women think that a good place to keep the TV controller is on top of the TV.
Men CAN get a bus through there!
Men can write their names clearly in the snow.
Men start a sentence and...
Cliff Grover, UK
....women finish it for them
Jane Grover, UK
Men have the 'empathy with computers-gene'. This means they are more likely to be found fiddling about with one rather than doing something useful.
Sarah Savill, England
Men are paid more for doing the same job. :-)
Nigel Harris, UK
Men have a gene that enables them to maintain a vice like grip on the remote control while reclining on the sofa studying the insides of their eyelids.
Men will hear you open a beer from three rooms away.
Men cannot watch sports and talk to their wives at the same time.
OBVIOUS DIFFERENCES For men, 2am is time for sleep. For women, 2am is time for a discussion about where our relationship is going.
Men speak in sentences. Women speak in paragraphs.
Steve Munoz, US
Women can use sex to get what they want. Men cannot, as sex is what they want.
Eoin Dempsey, Ireland
When men want something they ask for it. When women want something they make a point distantly related to the subject and wait for a response.
David Lawson, England
Women understand colour. They seem to know what to wear all the time. Men just think red is nice, pink is nice, so why not have them together?
Men appreciate the importance of a 42 inch plasma screen. Women do not.
Women pick up on subtleties and then think about them. Men need things explained IN CAPITAL LETTERS before the message gets through.
At weddings, women cry then get drunk. Men get drunk, then cry.
A multi-tasking gene is clearly only owned by women - men can never prepare dinner so that everything is ready at the same time.
Kelly , UK
Women know what to do when someone starts to cry. Men tend to shuffle out of the room mumbling something about doing the grouting.
Women know instinctively what is dangerous or not recommended for babies in their care. Men, generally speaking, do not.
Sian Lindsey, Netherlands
On being told that someone has bought a new car women usually ask what colour it is - men ask what sort is it.
Women eat curry if they like it. Men eat curry to prove they can.
Paul Angel, England
Men look at going down the gym as a physical activity, to women it is a social event.
Women have the 'Oh dear, the toilet paper is on its last sheet; must replace it immediately' gene. This is entirely absent in men who have the 'Oh s..t! Can you pass me a toilet roll, love?' gene!
Women have the ability to brain dump their entire day when they get home - men can only remember that it went OK
Bob Findlay, Ireland
Women recall every outfit they have worn for the past two decades. Men cannot remember what they were wearing yesterday without looking on the floor next to the bed.
Tom, London, UK
If a man knows an acquaintance has given birth to a baby, he will remember the sex and name - if you are lucky. If a woman is told about a birth, she will remember names (first and middle), weight, time, how long the labour took and whether medical intervention was required.
Women know that washing machines have programmes for every kind of fabric, colour and quantity and use them appropriately. Men will put a months supply of laundry through the 40 degree cycle (safest guess), regardless of any other detail.
Janine MacLean, UK
Women can get by with 10 or 20 CDs. Men need 200 plus.
Damien Bove, Leeds
Men enjoy publicising their faults on BBC websites; women enjoy publicising men's faults on BBC websites.
Women can smell old trainers at 100ft, men have to hold them to their nose.
Women pee together. Men do not acknowledge, let alone speak, to each other when peeing.
Men will do something and not think about the risks involved then be sorry after. Women will think about the risks involved before hand.
Diane McKay, England
Women drive on the stretch of road they can see. Men move through the landscape by car.
Anne Taylor, UK
Men use I or me when they should use we or us. Women use we or us when they should use I or me.
Women know when all you want is a glass of wine, nodding sympathy and a good whinge. Men offer a solution.
Women make lists upon lists of things for men to do when they know very well we will never do them.
Brian Mac, US
Ask a woman in the street how to get somewhere and she will direct via shops. Ask a man and it will be via pubs.
Men like to have all their stuff (DVDs, CDs, etc) on show to impress their mates. Women like to hide things in cupboards.
Mark Nelson, UK
Men need a round of applause for emptying the dishwasher. Women think E on the petrol gauge means enough.
Peter Richmond, Canada
A woman would look at a sexy man and not be noticed. Men just stare.
Isabelle West, UK
fun funny silly quotation crazy joy wisdom jokes