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Seeing ourselves as others see us would probably confirm our worst suspicions about them.
Franklin P. Adams 

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a closed room with a mosquito.
African Proverb

People forget what you say, they forget what you did,
but they never forget how you made them feel.
Maya Angelou

I have a mind like a steel trap. Stuff gets in there and WHAM! it never gets back out again.
Bill Austin

People used to explore the dimensions of reality by taking LSD to make the world look weird.
Now the world is weird and they take Prozac to make it look normal.

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
Dave Barry

A wonderful discovery, psychoanalysis.  Makes quite simple people feel they're complex. 
S.N. Behrman

Perception is a clash of mind and eye, the eye believing what it sees, the mind seeing what it believes. 
Robert Brault

A good friend can tell you what is the matter with you in a minute. He may not seem such a good friend after telling.
Arthur Brisbane

If in the last few years you haven't discarded a major opinion or acquired a new one, check your pulse.  You may be dead. 
Gelett Burgess

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
George Carlen

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
Dale Carnegie

It seems a pity that psychology has destroyed all our knowledge of human nature. 
G.K. Chesterton, London Observer, 9 December 1934

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
Rodney Dangerfield

Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.
Sir James Dewar, Scientist (1877-1925)

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter because nobody listens.
Nick Diamos

Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.
Philip K. Dick

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

My idea of an agreeable person is a person who agrees with me.
Benjamin Disraeli

You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic.
 Doris Egan

Albert Einstein

The difference between genius and insanity is that genius has its limits.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

The place where optimism most flourishes is the lunatic asylum.
Havelock Ellis

Depressed people think they know themselves, but maybe they only know depression. 
Mark Epstein

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. Fields

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Redd Foxx

Sigmund Freud

The aim of psychoanalysis is to relieve people of their neurotic unhappiness so that they can be normally unhappy. 

The great question - which I have not been able to answer - is, "What does a woman want?"

The conscious mind may be compared to a fountain playing in the sun and falling back into the great subterranean pool of subconscious from which it rises. 

He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable.
Now he's miserable and depressed.
David Frost

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
Ursula K. LeGuin

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
Samuel Goldwyn

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.
Lucille S. Harper

A cynic is not merely one who reads bitter lessons from the past, he is one who is prematurely disappointed in the future.
 Sidney J. Harris

No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face
to himself, and another to the multitude, without finally
getting bewildered as to which may be true.
Nathaniel Hawthorne

When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.
Eric Hoffer

A good listener is usually thinking about something else.
Kin Hubbard

I can sympathize with people's pains but not with their pleasures. There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness.
Aldous Huxley

A great many people think they are thinking when they are really rearranging their prejudices.
William James

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.
Erica Jong

Carl Gustav Jung

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

People will do anything, no matter how absurd,
in order to avoid facing their own soul.

Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.

Becoming conscious is of course a sacrilege against nature; it is as though you had robbed the unconscious of something.

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that if you bore people they think it's their fault.
Henry Kissinger

If you cut a thing up, of course it will smell.  Hence, nothing raises such an infernal stink at last, as human psychology. 
D.H. Lawrence

A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. 
A psychotic is the man who lives in it. 
A psychiatrist is the man who collects the rent. 
Jerome Lawrence

Egotism is the anesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity.
Frank Leahy

Is it progress if a cannibal uses knife and fork?
Stanislaw Lec

Groucho Marx

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing .. if you can fake that, you've got it made.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he is a crook.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

The two main hazards of psychoanalysis:  that it might fail, and that if it succeeds, you'll never be able to forgive yourself for all those wasted years. 
Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966

The most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents.
H. P. Lovecraft

H.L. Mencken

The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal.

.Immorality: The morality of those who are having a better time.

Mental health problems do not affect three or four out of every five persons but one out of one. 
William Menninger

Read, every day, something no one else is reading.
Think, every day, something no one else is thinking.
Do, every day, something no one else would be silly enough to do.
It is bad for the mind to be always part of unanimity.
Christopher Morley

We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are.
Anais Nin

In an age of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
George Orwell

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body.
Then I realized who was telling me this.
Emo Phillips

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order.
Brian Pickrell

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
Terry Pratchett

We confess our little faults to persuade people that we have no large ones.
 Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
Will Rogers

Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting.
John Russell

If we were not all so interested in ourselves, life would be so uninteresting that none of us would be able to endure it.
Arthur Schopenhauer

You must believe in free will; there is no choice.
Isaac Bashevis Singer (1904-1991)

I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living,
It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh at life's realities.
Dr. Seuss

Opinions are like feet. Everybody's got a couple, and they usually stink.
Jim Slattery

All human beings should try to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why.
 James Thurber


No one is listening until you fart.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If ignorance is bliss, why are not much more people happy?

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
So that's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... Then things get worse,

Psychiatrist: Yet another person to talk to after you start talking to yourself.

Laugh at your problems.
Everyone else does.

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.

Men will always be mad, and those who think they can cure them are the maddest of all. 

People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children.
Bill Watterson

Remember, it doesn't matter whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
Darrin Weinberg

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. 
Ben Williams

God gave us a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time.
Robin Williams

Frank Zappa

If you wind up with a boring, miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest or some guy on TV telling you how to do, then YOU DESERVE IT.

I never set out to be weird. It was always the other people who called me weird.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Last updated: March 12, 2011

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