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In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
Douglas Adams

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Woody Allen

The good Christian should beware the mathematican and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that the mathematicans have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell.
Saint Augustine

First, . . . to want to affirm that in reality the sun is at the center of the world and only turns on itself without moving from east to west, and the earth . . . revolves with great speed around the sun . . .is a very dangerous thing, likely not only to irritate all scholastic philosophers and theologians, but also to harm the Holy Faith by rendering Holy Scripture false. Nor can one answer that this is not a matter of faith, since if it is not a matter of faith "as regards the topic," it is a matter of faith "as regards the speaker"; and so it would be heretical to say that Abraham did not have two children and Jacob twelve, as well as to say that Christ was not born of a virgin, because both are said by the Holy Spirit through the mouth of the prophets and the apostles.
Cardinal Bellarmine, in a Letter to Foscarinin, April 12, 1615

Vow of Silence
An aspiring monk wanted to find a Guru. He went to an monastery and his preceptor told him: "You can stay here but we have one important rule - all students observe the vow of silence. You will be allowed to speak to me once every 12 years".
After practicing silence and meditation for 12 long years, finally the student could say his one thing, and : "The bed is too hard."
After another 12 years of hard silent meditation, he had the opportunity to speak again. He said: "The food is not good."
Twelve more years of hard work passed. His words after 36 years of practice: "I quit."
His Guru quickly answered: "Good, all you have been doing is complaining."

Creator: A comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh.

Imagine the Creator as a low comedian, and at once the world becomes explicable.
H. L. Mencken

You want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans.
From the movie, “Bella”

If a person wants to be atheistic, it's his God-given right to be an atheist.
Michael Patton

I'm Jewish. I don't work out.
If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

nun having funBecome a Lake!
An aging Hindu master grew tired of his apprentice complaining, and so, one morning, sent him for some salt. When the apprentice
returned, the master instructed the unhappy young man to put a handful of salt in a glass of water and then to drink it.
"How does it taste?" the master asked. "Bitter," spit the apprentice.
The master then asked the young man to take another handful of salt and put it in the lake nearby. Once the apprentice swirled
his handful of salt in the water, the old man said, "Now drink from the lake."
As the water dripped down the young man's chin, the master asked, "How does it taste?" "Fresh," remarked the apprentice.
"Do you taste the salt?" asked the master. "No," said the young man.
At this, the master took the young man's hands, offering, "The pain of life is pure salt; no more, no less. The amount of pain
in life remains exactly the same. However, the amount of bitterness we taste depends on the container we put the pain in.
So when you are in pain, the only thing you can do is to enlarge your sense of things a bit. "STOP BEING A GLASS. BECOME A LAKE."

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
Dave Thomas

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.
Peter O'Toole

Mark Twain

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

In the first place God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.


I am a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from humans.

Hell is the highest reward that the devil can offer you for being his servant.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gurgle.

Careful with that light at the end of the tunnel, it might be another train coming.

God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.
Paul Valery

God gave us a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time.
Robin Williams

Enlightenment comes when your third eye is at one with your turd eye and you can see your own shit..
Christopher Wynter

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation.
They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death.
Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later.
At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?"
A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you."
Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?"
"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time."
"What do you do all day?" asked Martha.
"Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m."
Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha."
"Well, then, where are you?"
"I don't know, but I'm a rabbit."

If you wind up with a boring, miserable life because you listened to your mom, your dad, your teacher, your priest or some guy on TV telling you what to do, then YOU DESERVE IT.
Frank Zappa

Last updated: December 21, 2008

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