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I have a mind like a steel trap. Stuff gets in there and WHAM! it never gets back out again.
Bill Austin

If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else.
Yogi Berra

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.
Erma Bombeck

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
Rita Mae Brown

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already!
Tommy Cooper

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.
I told him, 'If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion.'
He said, 'Alright.... you're ugly too!'
Rodney Dangerfield

The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.
Dizzy Dean

The world is so dreadfully managed, one hardly knows to whom to complain.
Ronald Firbank

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Redd Foxx

The less we know, the longer the explanation.

I can give you a definite perhaps.
Samuel Goldwyn

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
Ursula K. LeGuin

Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important.
Lisa Hoffman

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Carl Gustav Jung

Man can always be relied upon to exert, with vigour, his ... right to be stupid
Dean Koontz

The world is divided into people who do things--and people who get the credit.
Dwight Morrow

Silly is you in a natural state, and serious is something you have to do until you can get silly again.
Mike Myers

If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.
Ogden Nash

I only drink to make other people seem interesting.
George Jean Nathan

Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.
John Peers

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order.
Brian Pickrell


Excited about human rights? I like their lefts just as well.

Yes, you have the right to be stupid.
But at least use your left wisely.

Mark Twain

Buy land. They've stopped making it.

In the first place God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

Noise proves nothing - often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.


No one is listening until you fart.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

I feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
Bill Watterson

We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.
Colonel Gerald Wellman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Henny Youngman

Frank Zappa

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

I never set out to be weird. It was always the other people who called me weird.


Last updated: October 9, 2009

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