| GROUCHO MARX
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child
of five.
A man is as young as the woman he feels.
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old.
All you have to do is live long enough.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for
divorce and so will my wife.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't
time to dig trenches.
We'll have to buy them ready made.
Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was
convulsed with laughter.
Someday I intend reading it.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that
fool you. He really is an idiot.
Here's to our wives and girlfriends ... may they never meet!
How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.
I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions
- the curtain was up.
I find television very educating.
Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and
read a book.
I know, I know - you're a woman who's had a lot of tough breaks.
Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you'll have to stay
in the garage all night.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an
exception.
I sent the club a wire stating, 'Please accept my resignation'.
I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
I've been around so long, I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas and how he got in my
pajamas I'll never know.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
[Mrs. Teasdale]: He's had a change of heart.
[Groucho]: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.
Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from
here!
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog,
it's too dark to read.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
Remember men, you are fighting for the ladies honor, which is probably
more than she ever did.
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put 'Emily, I love you' on the
back of the bill.
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing .. if you can fake
that, you've got it made.
There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says
'yes,' you know he is a crook.
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Time wounds all heels.
We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.
. . But we're going back next week.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for
me?
Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me
more of you than you do!
Women should be obscene and not heard.
You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was
glad to get rid of it. |
