A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise
man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are
closed.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
Girl: "Say you love me! Say you love me!"
Boy: "You love me.."
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to
her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because
white is the color of happiness. The child thought about this for a
moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church.
Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!!
Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence.
This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"
The man says, "Yep, sure do."
Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"
The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."
Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"
"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted."
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can havemine."
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to
let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married.
Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
Young son: "Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness
was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking
they had no faults at all.
Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute. In a dark and hazy
room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: prepare
yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible
death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman's lined face, then at the
single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep
breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune
teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked: "Will I be acquitted?"
First guy: "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive
to the opposite sex.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married,
did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?''
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did
all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied. "Well
son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the
divorce court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775
a week,"
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And
every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I
don't like the looks of your wife at all,"
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great
cook and really good with the kids.''
On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck: 2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman 2 French men and 1 French woman 2 German men and 1 German woman 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman 2 English men and 1 English woman 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman 2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman 2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman 2 American men and 1 American woman 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred.
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman endlessly complains about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her arse look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and setup a distillery. They don't remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he
has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact
words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and
wife."
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
A doctor was addressing a large audience: "The material we put
into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here,
years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous. None
of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking
water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and
we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is
that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised
his hand, and softly said: "Wedding Cake."
A man decided to march in the holy crusades. Concluding that his wife
should wear a chastity belt while he is gone, he locks up her nether
regions and gives the key to his best friend.
He tells him, “If I do not return within four years, unlock my wife
and set her free to live a normal life.”
So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he
sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and
sees his best friend.
“What's wrong?' ” he asks.
“You gave me the wrong key!” |
