1: Number indicating ME
486: The average IQ required to thoroughly
understand a computer.
A funny fun crazy
silly dictionary
Abdicate, v.: To give up all hope of ever
having a flat stomach.
Abdomen, n.: The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship,
with sacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient faith
commands but a stammering assent. They sometimes minister at the altar in
a half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverence for the one deity that
men really adore they know not. If woman had a free hand in the world's marketing
the race would become graminivorous. Ambrose Bierce
Abnormal: Anyone or anything that differs from my idea of
"average."
Aborigines, n.: Persons of little worth found cumbering the
soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.
Ambrose Bierce
Abort : To correct a misconception. Dave Krieger
Absentee: A missing golfing accessory.
Abstainer: Weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
himself a pleasure. Ambrose Bierce
Absurdity: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. Ambrose Bierce
Accountant: One who tells you approximately how much you
are worth and exactly what you owe them.
Accrue: People who work on a ship.
Achievement: 1) The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust.
Ambrose Bierce 2) The end of doing and the beginning of bragging.
Acquaintance: a person whom we know well enough to borrow
from, but not well enough to lend to. Ambrose Bierce
Acre: literally means the amount of land plowable in one
day. In my case it would be four feet by four feet.
Ad infinitum: Latin for forever, without limit, indefinitely
as in how long the lawyer intends to keep billing you.
Adamant: The very first ant in the Garden of Eden.
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance
to ourselves.Ambrose Bierce
Adolescence : 1) A time in a kid's life when parents become
dificult. Ryan O'Neal 2) The period when a teenager feels he will
never be as dumb as his parents.
Adolescent : A teen who acts like a baby if you don't treat
them like an adult.
Adorable: What you ring when you go visiting.
Adult: Person who has stopped growing at both ends and is
now growing in the middle.
Adventure: 1) The land between entertainment and panic.2) Only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered. G. K. Chesterton 3) Just bad planning. Roald Amundsen
Adverse: Poem in a commercial.
Advice: What we ask for that we already know the answer to
but wish we didn't. Erica Jong.
Aerosol: The atmosphere of the sun.
Affidavit: Written pack of lies and untruths, when made under
oath by an individual and then notarized, becomes a written pack of notarized
lies and untruths.
Afternoon : The part of one's day spent worrying about how
the morning was wasted.
Ahead: The thing on top of your neck.
Air, n.: A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence
for the fattening of the poor. Ambrose Bierce
Airhead: What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over
by a policeman.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Alcohol: A liquid good for preserving almost everything except secrets. Gideon Wurdz
Alcoholic: Drunk who is scared of a hangover.
Alienation: A foreign country.
Alimony: 1) The fee a woman charges for name-dropping. 2)
The high cost of leaving. 3) A mistake by two people, paid for by one.
Alliance, n.: In international politics, the union of two
thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that
they cannot separately plunder a third. Ambrose Bierce
Alone, adj. In bad company. Ambrose Bierce
Ambassador : An honest man sent to lie abroad for the good
of his country. Sir Henry Wotton
Amnesia: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through
labor to have sex again. Similarly, a condition that enables men to marry
after a divorce.
Amnesty, n.: The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom
it would be too expensive to punish. Ambrose Bierce
Anarchy: a type of government which is none. Rudyh
Anchor light: a small light used to discharge the battery
before daylight.
Anchor: 1) Any of a number of heavy, hook-shaped devices
that is dropped over the side of the boat on the end of a length of rope and/or
chain, and which is designed to hold a vessel securely in place until (a)
the wind exceeds 2 knots, (b) the owner and crew depart, or (c) 3 a.m. 2.)
A device designed to bring up mud samples from the bottom at inopportune or
unexpected times. 3). The thing rotting in the bilge of every racing yacht
(unseen).
Anonymous : The worlds most popular author.
Antique: An item your grandparents bought, your parents got
rid of, and you're buying again.
Antisocial: Mother's sister being friendly.
Anymore: A random marsh.
Apparent: Mom or Dad.
Archaeologist: Man whose career lies in ruins.
Archives: Where Noah kept the bees.
Architect, n.: One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans
a draft of your money. Ambrose Bierce
Argument: A discussion that occurs when you're right, but
the other just hasn't realized yet.
Aristocracy, n. Government by the
best men. (In this sense the word is obsolete; so is that kind of government.)
Fellows that wear downy hats and clean shirts – guilty of education and suspected
of bank accounts. Ambrose Bierce
Assassination : Extreme form of censorship. George Bernard
Shaw
Atheism: 1) A non-prophet organization. George Carlin
2) the religion devoted to the worship of one's own smug sense of superiority.
Stephen Colbert
Atheist: 1) The loyal opposition to God. Woody Allen 2) A man who has no invisible means of support.
John Buchan
Atlas: Finally
Atom bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Attorney - client privilege: Bestowed upon the client wherein
he or she receives the privilege of paying a lawyer
$100, $200 or more per hour to screw up his or her case.
Australian kiss: Same as French kiss, only down under.
Autobiography, n.: 1) A history of cars. 2) An unrivaled vehicle for telling the truth about other people. Philip Guedalla
Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
B
Baby : A loud voice at one end and no sense
of responsibility at the other. Ronald Knox
Baby-sitter: Teenager who must behave like an adult so that the adults
who are out can behave like teenagers.
Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients
as an excuse for getting drunk. Ambrose Bierce
Bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some
woman miserable
Bacteria: Rear entrance to a cafeteria.
Balderdash: A rapidly receding hairline.
Bank:1) A place that will lend you money if you can prove
you don't need it. 2) Money-farm. Rudyh
Bankruptcy: Formal condition of a person being deemed insolvent
under law, often encountered by people after paying their
lawyer's bill. By declaring bankruptcy, the person agrees
to divert his or her remaining assets to the lawyer handling the bankruptcy.
Bar: Long, low-lying navigational hazard, usually awash,
found at river mouths and harbor entrances, where it is composed of sand or
mud, and ashore, where it is made of mahogany or some other dark wood. Sailors
can be found stranded in large numbers around both.
Barbeque: 1) Women buy groceries, wash lettuce, chop tomatoes,
dice onions, marinate meat and clean everything up, but men "made dinner."
2) Low-tech apparatus to turn charcoal into smoke and meat into charcoal.
Barium: What we do to most people when they die.
Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what
kind of weather we are having. Ambrose Bierce
Barrister: English derivation of
the French term for bastard. See “bastard”.
Bartender: A pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Basket: A little girl living in northern Spain.
Bastard: French term for lawyer.
As in, “that lawyer is a bastard - pardon my French.”
Bath: A process by which humans drench the floor, walls and
themselves. Dogs, when wet, can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
Bathroom: Room used by the entire family for private purposes,
believed by all - except mom - to be self-cleaning.
Bear: What your trade account and wallet will be when you
take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
Beauty : The power with which a woman charms a lover and
terrifies a husband.
Beauty parlor: Place where women curl up and dye.
Beer: Healthy and most enjoyable form of water.
Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a
deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.
Ambrose Bierce
Better: What we instantly feel when we realize our neighbor's
problems are as bad as our own
Beyond a reasonable doubt: A novel concept in jurisprudence
wherein the lawyers on both sides of the case attempt
to establish that the other side is lying more than they are.
Bible: A divinely inspired book, admirably suited for the
needs of one's neighbors. Ambrose Bierce
Bicycles: Two-wheeled exercise machines, operated by humans,
invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, dogs
must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a
few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and the dog
can then walk away, refreshed from the exercise.
Bigamy: Having one wife too many. Monogamy
is the same. Oscar Wilde
Bigamist : Man who makes a second mistake before he corrects
the first.
Bigot, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to
an opinion that you do not entertain. Ambrose Bierce
Birth: The first and direst of all disasters. Ambrose Bierce
Birth control: Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as
swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating
repulsive men, or spending time around children.
Birthday: Anniversary of one's birth. Observed only by men and children. Gideon Wurdz
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why
a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Blonde jokes: Jokes that are kept short so men can understand
them.
Blues, The : An autobiographical chronicle of a catastrophe,
expressed lyrically. Ralph Ellison
Boat: A hole in the water surrounded by wood/plastic/steel/aluminum
into which you pour all your money.
Bond: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her
golf clubs to invest in amazon.com.
Book: 1) A utensil used to pass time while waiting for the computer
repairman. 2) Old-fashioned set of static computerscreens. Rudyh
Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen. Ambrose
Bierce
Boss: 1) Someone who is early when you are late and late
when you are early. 2) Someone who can say something really stupid without
having anyone disagree.
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for daddy to get up at 2 am
too.
Boundary, n.: In political geography, an imaginary line between
two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights
of the other. Ambrose Bierce
Bowl: A large handle-less cup.
Brain, n.: 1) My second favorite organ Woody Allen
2) An apparatus with which we think we think. Ambrose Bierce
Bride, n.: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind
her. Ambrose Bierce
Bridge: A game in which a wife is always eager to do her
husband's bidding.
Broker: The person you trust to help
you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of
this word spell broke, more debts is spelled as broker.
Bruise Lee: Inept martial-arts student.
Budget: 1) An attempt to live below your yearnings. 2) A
method for going broke methodically.
Buffet: A French word that means "get up and get it
yourself."
Bug, n: An elusive creature living in a program that makes
it incorrect. The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from
a program, ends when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
"Datamation", January 15, 1984
Bull: 1) What your broker uses to explain why your mutual
funds disappeared during the last quarter. 2) see Politics
Bulldozing: Falling asleep during a political speech.
Bump: The best way for dogs to get human's attention when
they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
Bunk: A small, uncomfortable area for wet sailors to attempt
sleep.
Burden of proof: The requirement demanded by lawyers
that their clients prove beyond a reasonable doubt that they have absolutely
no more money left in their bank accounts. Once the stringent burden of proof
requirement is met, confirming that you’re flat broke, the lawyer feels
ethically compelled to withdraw from your case.
Burglarize: Visual organs of a crook.
Business: 1) Other people's money.
Peter F. Drucker 2) Acting busy in an office environment.
C
Caesarean section: District in Rome.
Cannibal: 1) Someone who is fed up with people. 2) A gastronome
of the old school who preserves the simple tastes and adheres to the natural
diet of the pre-pork period. Ambrose Bierce 3) A guy who goes
into a restaurant and orders the waiter.
Cannon, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of
national boundaries. Ambrose Bierce
Canvas: 1) An abrasive sailcloth used to remove excess skin
from knuckles. 2) cloth used by artist to waste paint on.
Capital Punishment: Killing people who kill people to prove
that killing people is wrong. Sister Helen Prejean
Car sickness: The feeling you get when the car payment is
due.
Caramel: A motorized camel.
Cat: 1) Unique mammal that keeps humans as slaves. 2) Pygmy
lion who love mice, hates dogs and patronizes humans. Oliver Herford
Celebrity: 1) One who is known by many people he is glad he
didn't know. H.L. Mencken 2) A person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. Fred Allen
Censor : A man who thinks he knows more than you ought to. Laurence J. Peter
Chaos Theory: New theory invented by scientists panicked
by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones. Mike Barfield
Character: That what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose. Evan Esar
Cheese: Milk's leap toward immortality. Clifton Fadiman
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after
they are dead.
Child: God's punishment for having sex. Rudyh
Childbirth: Going through 36 hours of contractions; he gets
to hold your hand and say "focus, ...breathe ...push..."
Childhood, n.: 1) The period of human life intermediate between
the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth – two removes from the sin of
manhood and three from the remorse of age. Ambrose Bierce 2)That wonderful time of life when all you need to do to lose weight is take
a bath. Richard Zera
Christian fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely
powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is deeply
and personally concerned about my sex life. Andrew Lias
Chronocide: Killing time
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at
one end and a fool at the other.
Circus, n.: A place where horses, ponies and elephants are
permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool. Ambrose Bierce
Civilization: 1) A race between education and catastrophe. H.G. Wells 2) The distance man has placed between himself and his
excreta. Brian Aldiss
Circumvent: The opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Cistern: Opposite of brothern.
Clarionet, n.: An instrument of torture operated by a person
with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet
– two clarionets. Ambrose Bierce
Claustrophobic: People who are afraid of Santa Claus.
Classic: Something that everybody wants to have read and
nobody wants to read. Mark Twain
Climate: The only thing you can do with a ladder.
Clock: A small mechanical device to wake up people without
children.
Clothes dryer: An appliance designed to eat socks.
Coalition: A rockingchair with inbuilt explosives.
Coffee: A person who is coughed upon.
College: The four year period when parents are permitted
access to the telephone.
Colonial: Pertaining to the large intestine.
Comfort: A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbour's
uneasiness. Ambrose Bierce
Commerce, n.: A kind of transaction in which A plunders from
B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging
to E. Ambrose Bierce
Commission: The only reliable way to wake money on the stock
market, which is why your broker charges you one.
Commitment, n.: Commitment can be
illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved, the
pig was committed.
Committee: 1) A group of people who keep minutes and waste
hours. M. Berle. 2) Individuals who can do nothing individually and
sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Common Sense : Genius dressed up in working clothes. Ralph
Waldo Emerson
Commonwealth, n. 1) An administrative entity operated by
an incalculable multitude of political parasites, logically active but fortuitously
efficient. Ambrose Bierce 2) International political organisation
to make wealth common in the UK. Rudyh
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that
everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Computer: In the past: calculator; in the present: mediacenter; in the future: God. Rudyh
Conclusion : What you reach when you're tired of thinking. Martin Fischer
Conference: 1) The confusion of one man multiplied by the
number present. 2) Gathering of important people who singly can do nothing,
but together can decide that nothing can be done. Fred Allen
Conference room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens
and everybody disagrees later on.
Confusion: A state of mind that you have been taught to think that you can have. Thomas Langmyr Ervik
Connoisseur: One who attains an obsessive knowledge of wines,
audio equipment, cats or French cheeses so as to confer a sense of inadequacy
on those who would simply enjoy them.
Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without
individual responsibility. Ambrose Bierce
Conscience: 1) The thing which hurts when everything else
feels good. 2) Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be
looking. H.L. Mencken
Consciousness: The annoying time between naps.
Conservative : 1) Person who believes that nothing should
be done for the first time. 2) A man with two perfectly good legs who has
never learned to walk. Franklin D. Roosevelt 3) A statesman who is
enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes
to replace them with others. Ambrose Bierce
Consistency: 1) The last refuge of the unimaginative.
Oscar Wilde 2) Attitude which requires you to be as ignorant today
as you were a year ago. Bernard Berenson
Consul, n.: A person who having failed to secure and office
from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave
the country. Ambrose Bierce
Consultant: 1) Someone who borrows, your watch, tells you
the time and then charges you for the privilege. letter in the Times newspaper 2) Someone you call in at the last minute to share the blame.
Controversy, n. A battle in which spittle or ink replaces
the injurious cannon-ball and the inconsiderate bayonet. Ambrose Bierce
Conversation, n. A fair to the display of the minor mental
commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own
wares to observe those of his neighbor. Ambrose Bierce
Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual
profit without individual responsibility. Ambrose Bierce
Costs: in the legal vernacular, includes every possible combination
of fees, costs, charges, reimbursements, expenses and the like that lawyers are able conjure up in their never ending quest to siphon every dollar from
every client each and every time out. It should be mentioned that this task
is not nearly as easy as the lawyers make it appear.
Counterfeiter: 1) worker who puts together kitchen cabinets.
2) individual who prints illegally does what governments do legally Rudyh.
Courage: 1) The fear of being thought a coward. Horace
Smith. 2) The judgment that something is more important than fear. Ambrose
Redmoon
Courtesy: The art of yawning with your mouth closed.
Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his
legs. Ambrose Bierce
Creativity: Piercing the mundane to find the marvelous. Bill
Moyers
Creator: A comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh. Imagine
the creator as a low comedian, and at once the world becomes explicable. H.L.
Mencken
Credit: Negative money, which you can spend like normal money.
Credit Card: Plastic device allowing you to buy things you cannot
afford, so the economy can thrive on the lack of money. Rudyh
Crew: 1) Sailor's term: heavy, stationary objects
used on ships to hold down charts, anchor cushions in place and dampen sudden
movements of the boom. 2) In air travel: people who try to remind
that when the plane crashes, it is useful to wear a safety belt. They sometimes
serve a snack called dinner, or five peanuts which they call a snack, and
use trolleys as a way to prevent you from reaching the toilet.
Crime: 1) An illegal offense or activity which lawyers are free to perpetrate without consequence, but when committed by anyone else
would result in the offender getting thrown in jail. 2) Taxes
Criminal: 1) Someone no different from the rest of us, except
that he got caught. 2) A person with predatory instincts who
has not sufficient capital to form a corporation. Howard Scott
Crowbar: Public facility where birds can buy a drink.
Cult : 1) Not enough people to make a minority. Robert Altman
2) A religion with no political power.
Tom Wolfe
Curve: The loveliest distance between two points Mae
West
Cynic: 1) A man who, when he smells flowers, looks around
for a coffin. Henry L. Mencken 2) A person searching for an honest
man, with a stolen lantern. Edgar A. Shoaff 3) A blackguard whose
faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Ambrose
Bierce 4) A man who knows the price of everything, and the value
of nothing. Oscar Wilde 5) Not merely one who reads bitter lessons from the past, but who is prematurely disappointed in the future. Sidney J. Harris
Cynicism: The intellectual cripple's substitute for intelligence. Russell Lynes
D
Daffynitions: what this dictionary is full
of.
Dance: 1) a little insanity that does us all a lot of good. Edward
Demby 2) To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably with
arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter. Ambrose Bierce
Date: an organized meeting with someone who has yet to realize
their intense dislike for you
Dating: General: The process of spending enormous amounts
of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you
don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in
the future. For males: trying to have sex. For women: trying to find a rich
prince to marry.
Dawn, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old
men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk
with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point
with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe
years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their
habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing
this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it. Ambrose
Bierce
Day, n.: A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.
This period is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day
improper – the former devoted to sins of business, the latter consecrated
to the other sort. These two kinds of social activity overlap. Ambrose
Bierce
Dead, adj.: Terminally inconvenienced.
Deafness: this is a malady which affects dogs when their
persons want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly
at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down. Humans
usually start looking the other way in similar situations.
Death, n.: To stop sinning suddenly.
Debt, n.: 1) negative money - used by banks to produce more
negative money. 2) Unique type of money that multiplies automatically 3) An
ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave- driver. Ambrose
Bierce
Defame, v. t. To lie about another. To tell the truth about
another. Ambrose Bierce
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before
Deluxe: Expensive word for standard.
Democracy: 1) a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom
of individual ignorance. H.L. Mencken. 2) Being allowed to vote for
the candidate you dislike least. Robert Byrne 3) Government accepted
by a majority of people who believe in dreams. 4) The bludgeoning of the people,
by the people, for the people. Oscar Wilde 5) Democracy is the
art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage. H.L. Mencken
6) consists of choosing your own dictators, after they've told you what you
think it is you want to hear. Alan Coren 7) A device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.
George Bernard Shaw 8) A process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame. Laurence J. Peter 9) Government by discussion, but it is only effective if you can stop people talking. Clement Atlee - see also Organized crime and voter.
Dentist: a magician who puts metal into your mouth, and pulls
coins out of your pocket.
Depression: Rage spread thin. George Santayana
Depth: height turned upside down.
Dermatologist: One who makes rash judgments
Desert: useless piece of land, appreciated by children. Rudyh
Destiny: a tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse
for failure. Ambrose Bierce
Diaphragm, n.: A muscular partition separating disorders
of the chest from disorders of the bowels. Ambrose Bierce
Dictator, n.: The chief of a nation that prefers the pestilence
of despotism to the plague of anarchy. Ambrose Bierce
Dictionary, n.: A malevolent literary device for cramping
the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary,
however, is a most useful work. Ambrose Bierce
Diet: a brief period of starvation followed by a gain of
double the pounds you have lost.
Diet soda: A drink bought at a convenience store to go with
a bag of chips and/or chocolate bars.
Dilate: To live long.
Dilemma : A politician trying to
save both of his faces at once. Herbert B. Prochnow
Dinosaur: How a giant lizard feels after a tough workout.
Diplomacy, n.: 1) The art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till
you can find a rock. Will Rogers 2) The art of letting other people
have your own way.
Diplomat: Person who can tell you to go to hell in such a
way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Disarmament: An agreement between nations to scuttle all
their obsolete weapons.
Discussion, n.: A method of confirming others in their errors.
Ambrose Bierce
Disk crash: Typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Disneyland: People-trap operated by a mouse.
Distance, n.: The only thing that the rich are willing for
the poor to call theirs, and keep. Ambrose Bierce
Distress signals: 1) In sailor's language: international
signals which indicate that a boat is in danger. For example, in: american
waters: the sudden appearance of lawyers, the pointing of fingers, and repression
of memories; italian waters: moaning, weeping, and wild gesticulations; french
waters: fistfights, horn blowing, and screamed accusations; spanish waters:
boasts, taunts, and random gunfire; irish waters: rhymthic grunting, the sound
of broken glass, and the detonation of small explosive devices; japanese waters:
shouted apologies, the exchange of calling cards, and minor self-inflected
wounds; english waters: doffed hats, the burning of toast, and the spilling
of tea. 2) In air travel: a tiny light bulb on your life-jacket and sometimes
a whistle.
Divorce: 1) future tense of marriage. 2) Postgraduate in
school of love. 3) An extra difficult time at the end of a couple’s
married life where they are forced to deal with bad feelings, bad lawyers,
and everyone wanting more money. 4) America's great contribution to marriage.
Edward Fawcett
Divorce lawyer: Lawyer whose primary
responsibility is to make sure you get half and he gets the other half.
Doctor: Person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you
with his bills.
Dog: The only thing on Earth that will love you more than
you love yourself. Josh Billings
Dog bed: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread
in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
Drama : Life with the dull bits left out. Alfred Hitchcock
Drool: What you do when others have food and you don't. For
dogs to do this properly they must sit as close as you can and look sad and
let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on your lap.
Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
Drunkenness: Temporary suicide. Bertrand Russell
Dumbwaiter: Waiter who asks if the kids would care to order
dessert.
Dust: 1) Mud with the juice squeezed out. 2) Nature's protective
coating for anything inside a house.
E
Easy: 1) Term used to describe a woman who
has the sexual morals of a man. 2) Any type of automated equipment, until
it fails.
Eat, v.: i. To perform successively (and successfully) the
functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition. Ambrose Bierce
Eccentricity, n.: A method of distinction so cheap that fools
employ it to accentuate their incapacity. Ambrose Bierce
Economist: 1) A person who knows more
about money than the people who have it. 2) A a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible. Alfred A. Knopf. See also: Fortune-teller.
Economy class: No class. Rudyh
Edible: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to
a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to
a worm. Ambrose Bierce
Editor: A person employed on a newspaper whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed. Elbert Hubbard
Education 1) The ability to listen to almost anything without
losing your temper or your self-confidence. Robert Frost 2) That
which discloses the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
Ambrose Bierce 3) That what remains after one has forgotten
everything he learned in school. Albert Einstein 4) Not filling a
bucket but lighting a fire. William Butlet Yeats 4) State-controlled
manufactory of echoes. Norman Douglas 5) Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know. Daniel J. Boorstin 6) A progressive discovery of our own ignorance.Will Durant
Efficiency: Intelligent laziness. David Dunham
Egocentric: Person who believes he is everything you know
you are.
Egotist: 1) A person of low taste - more interested
in himself than in me. Ambrose Bierce 2) A person who doesn't
talk about others. 3) Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
Egotism: Anaesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity. Frank
Leahy
Emergency numbers: Telephone numbers for: police station,
fire department, ambulance and places that deliver pizzas.
Enema: Not a friend.
Estimated position: Place marked on the chart where you are
sure you are not.
Etc.: Sign used to make others believe that you know more
than you really do.
Eternity: The last two minutes of a football game when you
are winning.
Evangelist, n.: A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in
a religious sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation
of our neighbors. Ambrose Bierce
Exercise: 1) Bunk. If you are healthy, you don't need it,
and if you are sick, you shouldn't take it. Henry Ford 2) For women:
to walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. For men:
desperate physical exertion to get more sex.
Expenditure: Income after your tax-collector found out about
it. Rudyh
Experience: 1) Revelation in the light of which we renounce
our errors of youth for those of age. Ambrose Bierce 2) The
name men give to their mistakes. 3) Not what happens to a man. It is what
a man does with what happens to him. Aldous Huxley 4) That marvelous
thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. F.
P. Jones 5) The wisdom that enables us to recognise in an undesirable
old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced. Ambrose Bierce
Expert: 1) One who knows more and more about less and less
until he knows absolutely everything about nothing. 2) Someone who avoids
the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
Eye contact: Method utilized by one person to indicate that
they are interested in another. Difficult for men because woman's eyes are
not located on her breasts.
Eyedropper: Clumsy ophthalmologist
F
Fable: Story told by a teenager arriving home
too late.
Fairy tales : Horror stories for children to prepare them
for the newspapers.
Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who
speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel. Ambrose Bierce
Family: A unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.
Ogden Nash
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper
distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Fanatic: One who can't change his mind and won't change the
subject. Winston Churchill
Fancy restaurant: Expensive location that serves cold soup
on purpose, and fried ice when you are lucky.
Fashion: Form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to
alter it every six months. Oscar Wilde
Father: A banker provided at birth.
Feedback: Inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate
dinner.
Felony: Serious crime punishable by having a lawyer
represent you.
Fiction: Story told by a completed income tax form.
Fiddle : An instrument to tickle the human ear by rubbing
a horse's tail on the gut of a cat. Ambrose Bierce
Flabbergasted: Appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Flag: Sailor's language: any of an number of signaling pennants
or ensigns, designed to be flown upside down, in the wrong place, in the wrong
order, or at an inappropriate time.
Flashlight: Tubular metal or plastic container used for storing
dead batteries.
Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Flower: Sex-organ of a plant, often found cut-off on dining
room tables. (Just imagine what plants would do if ever they take over power.)
Rudyh
Flying: Learning how to throw yourself at the ground and
miss. Douglas Adams
Fobia: Fear of misspelled words.
Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich
countries to rich people in poor countries
Forgiveness: giving up all hope of a better Past. Carl
Jung
Fork: an instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting
dead animals into the mouth. Ambrose Bierce
Fortune-teller: See economist.
Forum: In favor of drinking rum.
Free advice: Kind of advice that that costs nothing unless
you act upon it.
Freedom: 1) The right to be wrong, not the right to do wrong.
John G. Riefenbaker 2) just another word for nothing left to lose.
Kris Kristoferson 3) Nothing
but a chance
to be better. Albert Camus
Friend: 1) A person in your acquaintance who has some flaw
which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. 2) A person who knows
you well, but likes you anyway.
Friendship: The only thing in this world, the usefulness
of which all mankind are in agreement. Marcus Tullius Cicero
Frisbeetarianism, n.: The belief that when you die, your
soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Front: Rear side of the rear.
Funeral, n.: A pageant whereby we attest our respect for
the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure
that deepens our groans and doubles our tears. Ambrose Bierce
Future: That period of time in which our affairs prosper,
our friends are true and our happiness is assured. Ambrose Bierce
G
Garbage can: Container for dogs, put out once
a week to test their ingenuity. They must stand on their hind legs and try
to push the lid off with their nose. However, pushing the whole thing over
usually makes the contents more easily accessible. When done right, they are
rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy
crusts of bread.
Gargoyle: Extremely ugly statue on a church building. In
medieval times, they were intended to scare away evil spirits. Now they are
intend to attract tourists. The relationship between tourists and evil is
considered ambiguous though.
Genealogy: 1) Hobby to find out which dead people you are
related to. 2) Looking for dead family.
Ghost, n.: The outward and visible sign of an inward fear.
Ambrose Bierce
Ginger ale: Drink that feels like your foot when it goes
to sleep.
Global warming: Modern method to ensure nice summers all
year round, generally deemed a bad idea. Rudyh
Goal: Dream with a deadline. Marjorie Blanchard
God: 1) Being whose only definition is
that he is beyond man's power to conceive. Ayn Rand 2) All-compassionate
and all-powerful being who appears to enjoy a world full of suffering. Rudyh
Golf: Word used in civilized society, which at the time when
native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, was called witchcraft.
Gossip: Lie, unless the truth will do more damage.
Government: 1) Facility to make
second-hand paper out of new paper with money extracted of voters. 2) Well-documented
branch of the mafia, found in nearly every country. Rudyh
3) Organisation which is elected, no matter who
you vote for. See also organized crime, unorganised
crime and taxes
Grammar, n.: A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for
the feet for the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to distinction.
Ambrose Bierce
Grandchildren: 1. God's reward for parents who survive having
children. 2. God's reward for allowing your children to live.
Grandmother: Baby-sitter who doesn't hang around the refrigerator.
Grandparents: People who think your children are wonderful,
even though they are sure you're not raising them right.
Grape: Non-intoxicating wine in pill form.
Gratitude: Merely the secret hope of further favors. Francois
de La Rochefoucauld
Grave: Resting-place for the deceased while waiting for an
archeologist. Rudyh
Gravity: 1) Scientific myth; the earth just sucks. 2) The
tendency of all bodies to approach one another with a strength proportion
to the quantity of matter they contain – the quantity of matter they contain
being ascertained by the strength of their tendency to approach one another.
This is a lovely and edifying illustration of how science, having made A the
proof of B, makes B the proof of A. Ambrose Bierce
Grocery list: List which takes half an hour writing, then
usually forgotten to take with you to the store.
Gum: Adhesive for the hair. Predecessor of hair-gel.
Gunpowder, n.: An agency employed by civilized nations for
the settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left unadjusted.
Ambrose Bierce
H
Habit, n. 1) A shackle for the free. Ambrose
Bierce 2) disgusting mannerism, see smoking.
Hair dresser: Someone who is able to create a style you will
never be able to duplicate again. See "magic."
Hand, n.: A singular instrument worn at the end of the human
arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. Ambrose Bierce
Handkerchief, n.: 1) A small square of silk or linen, used
in various ignoble offices about the face and especially serviceable at funerals
to conceal the lack of tears. Ambrose Bierce 2) cold
storage.
Handwriting: Autobiography. Carrie Latet
Hanging, n.: A suspended sentence.
Hangover: The Wrath of Grapes.
Happiness: 1) An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating
the misery of another. Ambrose Bierce 2) A good bank account,
a good cook, and a good digestion. Jean Jacques Rousseau 3) An imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.Thomas Szasz
Harbor, n.: A place where ships taking shelter from storms
are exposed to the fury of the customs. Ambrose Bierce
Hardware, n.: Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other
heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.
Hardware store: 1) Similar to a black hole in space if your
husband goes in - he isn't coming out anytime soon. 2) One of the rare shops
women do not like to do shopping, (therefore?) popular with men. 3) Shop in
which men are made to believe that they like work.
Hatch: A hole to fall into.
Hatchet: What a hen does to an egg.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Heaven, n.: 1) A place where the wicked cease from troubling
you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention
while you expound your own. Ambrose Bierce 2) Heaven
is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife.
(Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house,
and an American wife.) James H. Kabbler III.
Hell: 1) The highest reward that the devil can offer you
for being his servant. 2) Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an
English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary,
an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife. James H. Kabbler
III.
Helmsman: Fool attached to the rudder through a steering
mechanism.
Help: Computer feature that assists in generating more questions.
When the Help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through
a series of Help screens, and end up where they started from, without learning
a damn thing.
Hen: An egg's way of making another egg. Samuel Butler
Heresy: Only another word for freedom of thought. Graham
Greene
Hero: Stupid kind of soldier who has a life expectancy of
less than one minute in battle.
Heroes: What a guy in a rowing boat does.
Hindsight: What one experiences when changing diapers.
Hippie: Someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and
smells like Cheetah. Ronald Reagan
Historian: 1) Unsuccessful novelist. H.L. Mencken
2) A broad-gauge gossip. Ambrose Bierce
History: 1) An account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant,
which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.
Ambrose Bierce 2) philosophy teaching by examples. Thucydides
3) gossip well told.Elbert Hubbard 4) the sum total of the things
that could have been avoided. Konrad Adenauer 5) a vast early
warning system.Norman Cousins 6) a great dust heap. -Thomas Carlyle
7) the story of the magnificent rear-guard action fought during several thousand
years by dogma against curiosity.Robert S. Lynd 8) the transformation
of tumultuous conquerors into silent footnotes.Paul Eldridge 9) Huge
libel on human nature, to which we industriously add page after page, volume
after volume, as if we were holding up a monument to the honor, rather than
the infamy of our species. Washington Irving 10) A pack of lies
about events that never happened told by people who weren't there. George
Santayana 11) A damn dim candle over a damn dark abyss.W. Stull Holt
12) an argument without end. Pieter Geyl 13) a tool used by
politicians to justify their intentions. Ted Koppel 14) The record
of what one age finds worthy of note in another. Jacob Burckhardt 15)
A nightmare from which I am trying to awake. James Joyce 16) Mixture
of error and violence. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 17) An epic description
of a slaughterhouse for humans Rudyh
Honesty: The best of all the lost arts. Mark Twain 2)
The first chapter in the book of wisdom. Thomas Jefferson
Honeymoon: A vacation a man takes before beginning work under
a new boss.
Hope, n:.1) Desire and expectation rolled into one. Ambrose
Bierce 2) A waking dream. Aristotle
Hors d'oeuvres: Sandwich cut into 20 pieces.
Horse racing: Animated roulette. Roger Kahn
Horse sense: The thing a horse has which keeps it from betting
on people. W.C. Fields
House, n.: A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of
man, rat, mouse, beetle, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus and microbe.
Ambrose Bierce
Human, n.: 1) Useful domestic animal, popular with cats,
dogs and fleas 2) An ingenious assembly of portable plumbing. Christopher
Morley
Humor: Gods gift to man to compensate for the law of gravity
Humbug, n.: Singing cockroach.
Hypocrite, n.: Man who murders his parents,
and then pleads for mercy on the grounds that he is an orphan. Abraham
Lincoln
I
Ice hockey: Sport which combines the best
features of figure skating and World War II. Alfred Hitchcock
Idealist: A person who helps other people to be prosperous.
Henry Ford
Idiot, n.: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence
in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. Ambrose
Bierce
Idleness: Not doing nothing. Idleness is being free to do anything.
Floyd Dell
Illegal, adj.: Large, sick bird.
Imbecility, n:. A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire
affecting censorious critics of this dictionary. Ambrose Bierce
Immigrant, n:. An unenlightened person who thinks one country
better than another. Ambrose Bierce
Immodest, adj.: Having a strong sense of one's own merit,
coupled with a feeble conception of worth in others. Ambrose Bierce
Immorality: Morality of those who are having a better time.
H.L. Mencken
Immortality: Toy which people cry for, and on their knees
apply for, dispute, contend and lie for, and if allowed would be right proud
eternally to die for. Ambrose Bierce
Impartiality: Pompous name for indifference, which is an
elegant name for ignorance. G. K. Chesterton
Impostor, n.: A rival aspirant to public honors. Ambrose
Bierce
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
Impregnable: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Impunity, n.: Wealth. Ambrose Bierce
Income, n.: Technical term used by tax-collectors
to confiscate your money (which turns it into expenditure). Rudyh
Income tax: Money one needs to pay in order to work. Rudyh
See Income.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they
do everything we say.
Indifference: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted
by the man to be "playing hard to get".
Infidel: In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian
religion; in Constantinople, one who does. Ambrose Bierce
Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
Information: How geese are supposed to fly.
Injustice: Decision against your favour.
Ink, n.: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic
and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
intellectual crime. Ambrose Bierce
Insanity: 1) A minority of one. J. Mike Reed Jr
2) Driving forty minutes to a health club, then waiting thirty minutes to
get on a treadmill for twenty minutes. DaffyJoe Heuer 3) To keep
doing what you did before, and expect different results
Inspiration: The impact of a fact on a prepared mind. Louis
Pasteur
Insolvent: Impoverished, broke, ruined, destitute, busted,
out of money - the financial condition of the client after the lawsuit is
finally over.
Instant credit: Instant debt
Insurance, n.: Agreement to ensure the financial survival
of the insurer. Rudyh
Intellectual: One who always contributes more heat than light
to a discussion. 2) A person who has discovered something more interesting than sex. Aldous Huxley
Intense: Where campers sleep.
Interesting: A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets
him do all the talking.
Intestate: Dying without a will, thereby leaving your inheritance
to the lawyers.
Intuition: The uncanny sixth sense which tells people that
they are right, whether they are or not. Georges Lessard
Inventor: Person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels,
levers and springs, and believes it civilization. Ambrose Bierce
Irony: Buying a suit with two pair of pants and then burning
a hole in the coat. DaffyJoe Heuer
Irritating habit: What the endearing little qualities that
initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
J
Job: A place where you work just hard enought
to avoid getting fired while getting paid just enough to avoid quitting.
Daffy Joe Heuer
Journalism: 1) Merely history's first draft. Geoffrey C. Ward
2) Organized gossip. Edward Egglestone 3) A profession whose business it is to explain to others what it personally does not understand. Lord Northcliffe
Judge: Law student who marks
his own examination papers. Henry L. Mencken
Jurisprudence: The science of converting a client’s
money into lawyer’s fees.
Jury: (American) Twelve people who determine which client
has the better lawyer. Robert Frost
Justice: A decision in your favor. Harry Kaufman
K
Keyboard: 1) The standard way to generate
computer errors. 2) Important committee
Kidney: Midpoint of a child's leg.
Kiss: 1) Mom medicine. 2) Sign of love, unless you are an
Eskimo or your name is Judas. Rudyh
Kissing: Means of getting two people so close together that
they can't see anything wrong with each other. Works the opposite way between
teenagers and parents.
Kleptomaniac: Someone who helps himself because he can't
help himself.
L
Landlubber: Anyone on board of a ship who
wishes he were not.
Laughter, n. 1) An interior convulsion, producing a distortion
of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. Ambrose Bierce 2) The sensation of feeling
good all over
and showing it
principally in one spot.
Josh Billings
Law firms: Unseemly groups of lawyers who have banded together under one roof to devise new techniques and stratagems
that allow them to take full advantage of loopholes within the law while making great gobs of money in the meantime.
Law license: A license to steal - and get away with it.
Law of relativity: How attractive a given person appears
to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
Law: 1) A superficial term loosely and
interchangeably used by lawyers and judges alike whenever they feel a need to put the rest of us in our pedestrian places.
It is a widely accepted perception within the legal community that lawyers
and judges alike are above the law and any rules governing same. 2) The paper
difference between Government and Mafia. Rudyh
Lawsuit: 1) A machine which you go into as a pig and come
out of as a sausage. Ambrose Bierce 2) Very expensive piece
of clothing which can only be afforded by lawyers persuing
lawsuits. Rudyh
Lawyer: Originally derived from early
Roman law, meaning “liar,” term has evolved over the years to
include other derivatives, including Latin for “scoundrel,” Italian
for “shyster,” Greek for “con-artist” and early Texan
for “piece of horse excrement.” 2) One skilled in circumvention
of the law. Ambrose Bierce 3) Mouth with a life-support system.
4) Politician without an electorate. Rudyh See also barrister.
Laziness: The habit of resting before you get tired. Jules
Renard
Leak: 1) In sailor's language a situation
calling for leadership. 2) Leak, taking a ~: a human function frequently performed
after drinking excessive amounts of beer.
Lean: Every good dogs's response to the command "sit!",
especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective
before black-tie events.
Leash: Strap attached to a dog's collar, enabling them to
lead their person.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes
of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the
minds of either".
Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age. H.L.
Mencken
Legislation: Laws passed by lawyers masquerading as politicians for the benefit of the
other lawyers who contributed to the politicians’ campaign coffers.
Lemonade stand: Complicated business venture to teach children trade, where mom buys
powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs,
pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and results
in a net a loss of 75 cents.
Liberty: One of imagination's most precious possessions. Ambrose Bierce
Life: 1) A sexually transmitted disease with 100% fatality
rate. 2) For Christians: a test before they are allowed to proceed to hell
- for Buddhists and Hindus: the time between deaths. 3) Life is what happens
to you while you're busy making other plans"John Lennon 4) Anything that dies when you stomp on it. Dave
Barry 5) The confusing period between the confusion of birth and the
confusion of death. Rudyh 6) A spiritual pickle preserving the body
from decay. Ambrose Bierce 7) nothing but a competition to
be the criminal rather than the victim. Bertrand Russell 8) An unbroken succession of false situations. Thornton Wilde
Life preserver: In sailor's language: any personal flotation
device that will keep an individual who has fallen off a vessel above water
long enough to be run over by another rescue craft.
Lipstick: Non-sticking coloring for the lips to enhance the
beauty of your mouth. Found on his collar, mouth coloring only a tramp would
wear.
Locomotive: A crazy reason.
Logic: 1) The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance
with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. Ambrose
Bierce 2) An organized way of going wrong with confidence. Robert
Heinlein
Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the
time you scream it.
Lottery: Voluntary tax on people who are bad at math.
Love: 1) Temporary insanity curable by marriage. Ambrose
Bierce. 2) A feeling dogs can show by wagging their tail. If lucky,
a human will feed them in return. 3) Friendship set on fire Jeremy Taylor 4) The irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. Mark Twain 5) The difficult realization that something other than oneself is real. Iris Murdoch
Luck: 1) Probability turned personal. Penn of Penn &
Teller 2) When opportunity knocks and you answer. 3) What you have left over after you give 100 percent. Langston Coleman
M
Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of
intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech
and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with
the majority; in short, unusual. Ambrose Bierce
Mafia: Paperless Government,
invented by Italians. Rudyh
Magazine: Bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming
in the next issue.
Magic, n.:An art of converting superstition
into coin. Ambrose Bierce
Male, n.: A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex.
Ambrose Bierce
Man: 1) The best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft
... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. Wernher
von Braun 2) The male of the human race is commonly known (to
the female) as Mere Man. The genus has two varieties: good providers and bad
providers. Ambrose Bierce 3) A domestic animal which, if treated
with firmness and kindness, can be trained by women to do most things. Jilly
Cooper 4) An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation
is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies
with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.
Ambrose Bierce 5) A clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
Albert Schweitzer 6) Portable heater that snores.
Manager: Someone in charge, who tells others to do what (s)he
cannot themselves. Rudyh
Margin: Place to make drawings when you're supposed to be
listening to your manager's presentation.
Marriage: 1)A wonderful institution,
but who would want to live in an institution? Henry L Mencken 2)
The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress,
and two slaves, making in all, two. Ambrose Bierce 3) The
process of finding out what type of person your spouse would prefer. DaffyJoe
Heuer 4) Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble
starts when they try to decide which one. 5) A three ring circus: engagement
ring, wedding ring, and suffering. 6) The alliance of two people, one of whom
never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them. Ogden
Nash
Martyrdom: The only way a man can become famous without ability.
George Bernhard Shaw
Mathematician: 1) Blind man in a dark room looking for a
black cat which isn't there. Charles R. Darwin 2) A machine for turning
coffee into theorems. Paul Erdos (quoted in Paul Hoffman's 'The Man Who Loved
Only Numbers')
Mausoleum, n.: The final and funniest folly of the rich.
Ambrose Bierce
Maybe: No. See Perhaps
Me, pro.: The objectionable case of I. The personal pronoun
in English has three cases, the dominative, the objectionable and the oppressive.
Each is all three. Ambrose Bierce
Meditation: Making profound use of sitting still and doing nothing. Rudyh
Memory, n.: The thing we forget with.
Middle age: The time in life when, after pulling in your
stomach, you look as if you ought to pull in your stomach.
Mile (nautical): Relativistic measure of surface distance
over water - in theory, 6076.1 feet. In practice, a number of different values
for the nautical mile have been observed while under sail, for example: after
4 p.m., approximately 40,000 feet; in winds of less than 5 knots, about 70,000
feet; and during periods of threatening weather in harbor approaches, around
100,000 feet.
Military glory: 1) The attractive rainbow that rises in showers
of blood. Abraham Lincoln 2) Taking pride in murder. Rudyh
Military intelligence:
A contradiction in terms. Groucho Marx
Military justice: is to justice what military music is to
music. Groucho Marx Also see Military
intelligence
Mind, n.: 1. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the
brain. Its chief activity consists in the endeavor to ascertain its own nature,
the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing but
itself to know itself with. Ambrose Bierce 2. Immaterial stuff
that in rare occasions contains intelligence, more commonly it is what confusion
is made of. Rudyh
Miser, n.: Person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Misfortune, n.: The kind of fortune that never misses. Ambrose
Bierce
Misquotations : The only quotations that are never misquoted. Hesketh Pearson
Miss, n.: The title with which we brand unmarried women to
indicate that they are in the market. Ambrose Bierce
Mistakes: 1) Proof that you are trying. 2) The price we pay
for a full life. Sophia Loren
Mobile, n.: 1) High-tech telephone
intended to disturb the owner and every person within hearing distance at every inconvenient
time, at every inconvenient place. Rudyh 2) Portable photo and video
camera, audio and video player, notebook, address book, alarm clock, portable
computer and messaging system, occasionally used for making phone calls. However, its main function being a cash-machine for phone companies. Rudyh
Modesty: 1) The gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending
not to be aware of it. 2) The only sure bait when you angle for
praise. Lord Chesterfield
Money, n.: 1) A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting
when we part with it. An evidence of culture and a passport to polite society.
Supportable property. Ambrose Bierce 2) Like manure; it's
not worth a thing unless it's spread around encouraging young things to grow.
Thornton Wilder
Monogamy: Having one wife too many, just like bigamy.
Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better.
Motor sailor: A sailboat that alternates between sail/rigging
problems and engine problems, and with some booze in the cabin.
Mouse: 1) Input device invented by Apple to make computer
errors. 2) Small animal occasionally found dead in mouse-traps.
Mouth, n.: In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the
outlet of the heart. Ambrose Bierce
Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once. Women are
said to be far superior in it.
Mythology, n.: Someone else's religion.
Joseph Campbell
N
Nagging: The repetition of unpalatable truths.
Baroness Edith Summerskill
Nail polish: Part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick,
eyeliner, blush etc., which ironically make moms look better while making
her young daughter look "like a tramp."
Nation: A society united by delusions about its ancestry and by common hatred of its neighbors.William Ralph Inge
Nationalism: An infantile disease, the measles of mankind Albert Einstein
Negligence: Legal principle that holds that everyone, with
the notable exception of lawyers and judges who are exempt from same, have a duty to ensure that their actions do not
cause harm to others.
Nervous breakdown: When your nerves work much better then
you want. Rudyh
Newspapers: Dead trees with information smeared on them. ~Horizon, "Electronic Frontier"
Newtonian, adj.: Pertaining to a philosophy of the universe
invented by Newton, who discovered that an apple will fall to the ground,
but was unable to say why. His successors and disciples have advanced so far
as to be able to say when. Ambrose Bierce
Next of kin: A person in your family you can borrow money
from.
Nitrate: Cheaper than day rate.
Noise, n.: 1) Stench in the ear. 2) Undomesticated music. 3) The chief
product and authenticating sign of civilization. Ambrose Bierce
Nominal fee: Outrageous charge.S
Nostalgia: isn't what it used to be. Peter De Vries
Nymphomaniac: A man's term for a woman who wants to have
sex more often than he does.
O
Oblivion, n. The state or condition in which
the wicked cease from struggling and the dreary are at rest. Fame's eternal
dumping ground. Cold storage for high hopes. A place where ambitious authors
meet their works without pride and their betters without envy. A dormitory
without an alarm clock. Ambrose Bierce
Occident, n. The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.
It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub-tribe of the Hypocrites,
whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased
to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the principal
industries of the Orient. Ambrose Bierce
Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made
for man - who has no gills. Ambrose Bierce
Office: A place where you can relax and surf the internet
after your strenuous home life.
Once, adv. Enough. Ambrose Bierce
Opera: A large public gathering where a guy gets stabbed
in the back and instead of bleeding, he sings.
Operating system: Piece of software that tries to make you
responsible for its own errors. Rudyh
Opiate, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It
leads into the jail yard. Ambrose Bierce
Opportunist: A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally
falls into a river.
Opportunity, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.
Ambrose Bierce
Optimism: 1) The doctrine that everything is beautiful, including
what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that
is wrong... It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious. Ambrose
Bierce 2) A kind of heart stimulant - the digitalis of failure. Elbert Hubbard 3) A person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day. Irv Kupcinet
Optimist: 1) A person who, while falling from Eiffel tower,
says in midway "see, I am not injured yet." 2) A person who lacks
experience or suffers from amnesia. 3) Unborn pessimist. 4) A proponent of
the doctrine that black is white. Ambrose Bierce 5) Someone
who tells you to cheer up when things are going his way.
Organized crime: see Government,
see Taxes, see Mafia
Originality: The fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. Laurence J. Peter
Outdo, v. t.: To make an enemy. Ambrose Bierce
Outpatient: Person who has fainted after seeing a doctor's
bill.
Ow: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
P
Pacifist: A guy who fights everybody but the
enemy
Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic. Ambrose Bierce
Panties: The last defense on the front lines of desire.
Pantheism, n.: The doctrine that everything is God, in contradistinction
to the doctrine that God is everything. Ambrose Bierce
Pants: Half a set of a single piece of clothing
Parasites: Ahat you see from the top of the Eiffel tower.
Parents: People production units.
Parole: The supervised release of prisoners before their
terms are over, insuring that lawyers will have a steady
supply of repeat customers.
Party-programme: A political document summarizing voters'
dreams. Rudyh
Passenger: Sailor's language: a form of movable internal
ballast which tends to accumulate on the leeward side of sailboats once sea
motions commence.
Passport, n.: A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen
going abroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for special reprobation
and outrage.
Patriot, n.: 1) One to whom the interests of a small part
of humanity seem superior to those of the whole. 2) The dupe of statesmen
and the tool of conquerors. Ambrose Bierce
Patriotism: 1) Patriotism is the last refuge to which a scoundrel clings. Steal a little and they throw you in jail; steal a lot and they make you king. Bob Dylan 2) The willingness to kill and be killed for trivial
reasons. Bertrand Russel 3) Your conviction that this country is
superior to all others because you were born in it. G.B. Shaw 4) Often an arbitrary veneration of real estate above principles. George Jean Nathan
Peace: in international affairs, a period of cheating between
two periods of fighting. Ambrose Bierce
Perhaps: no. See maybe,
or maybe not...
Pessimist: 1) One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both. Oscar Wilde 2) A man who has been compelled to live with an optimist. Elbert Hubbard, The Note-Book, 1927
Petty offense: Minor crimes, such as traffic violations,
that petty lawyers can pettily amplify into a ton of
legal fees to be paid by the petty offender.
Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.
Philantropist, n. A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman
who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.
Ambrose Bierce
Philosopher: 1) Someone who argues that all other philosophers
are jackasses. He usually proves it, and I should add that he also usually
proves that he is one himself. H.L. Mencken 2) A fool who torments
himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Philosophy: A study that lets us be unhappy more intelligently.
Pioneer: Early American who was lucky enough to find his
way out of the woods.
Plagiarism: Copying from one source (research is copying
from two or more)
Plan, v. t.: To bother about the best method of accomplishing
an accidental result. Ambrose Bierce
Play: Work that you enjoy doing for nothing.Evan Esar
Pocket: A hands-free bag worn with one's clothes.
Political debate: Two or more people talking in a state between
deep sleep and dream, about their voters' dreams. Rudyh
Political language: Language designed to make lies sound
truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to
pure wind. George Orwell
Politician: 1) Salespeople who sell
voter's dreams but deliver only nightmares. Rudyh 2) One who
shakes your hand before elections, and your confidence and purse after. 3)
Someone who is willing to lay down your life for his country.
Politics: 1) The conduct of public
affairs for private advantage. Ambrose Bierce 2) A strife of interests
masquerading as a contest of principles. Ambrose Bierce 3) The art of looking for trouble,
finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
Groucho Marx 4) 'Poli' means 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking
creatures’. 5) The art of preventing people from taking part in affairs
which properly concern them. Paul Valery 6) Politics is the skilled use of blunt objects. Lester B. Pearson
Portable computer: A remarkably heavy device invented to
force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Porthole: A glass-covered opening in the hull designed in
such a way that when closed (while at sea) it admits light and water, and
when open (while at anchor) it admits, light, air, and insects (except in
canadian waters, where most species are too large to gain entry in this manner).
Prayer: To ask that the laws of the
universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. Ambrose Bierce
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Prescription: A physician's guess at what will best prolong
the situation with least harm to the patient. Ambrose Bierce
Present, n:. That part of eternity dividing the domain of
disappointment from the realm of hope. Ambrose Bierce
President, n.: A glorified public relations man who spends his time flattering, kissing and kicking people to get them to do what they are supposed to do anyway. Harry S Truman
Private tutor: Someone who doesn't fart in public.
Procrastination: The art of keeping up with yesterday. Don Marquis
Professor: Someone who talks in someone else's sleep.
Project manager: The conductor of an orchestra in which every
musician is in a different union.
Progress : 1) What you get when each mistake is a new one. DaffyJoe Heuer 2) progress is the exchange of one nuisance for another
nuisance. Henry Havelock Ellis 3) Progress is what happens when impossibility
yields to necessity. Arnold J. Glasow
Propeller: In sailor's language : underwater winch designed
to wind up at high speed any lines or painters left hanging over the stern.
Proverb: A short sentence based on long experience.Miguel
de Saavedra Cervantes
Psychology: The search for self-understanding through the
study of others
Psychiatrist: Yet another person to talk to after you start
talking to yourself.
Psychologist: A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful
girl enters the room.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies
wearing dry shoes into it.
Punctuality: The virtue of the bored. Evelyn Waugh
Puritanism : The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may
be happy. H. L. Mencken
Q
Queen, n.: Woman by whom the realm is ruled
when there is a king, and by whom it is ruled when there is not.
Quiet: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth
of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
Quotation: 1) The act of repeating erroneously the words
of another. Ambrose Bierce 2) A serviceable substitute for
wit. Oscar Wilde
R
Radicalism, n.: The conservatism of to-morrow
injected into the affairs of to-day. Ambrose Bierce
Railroad, n.: The chief of many mechanical devices enabling
us to get away from where we are to where we are no better off. For this purpose
the railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits him
to make the transit with great expedition. Ambrose Bierce
Raisin: Grape with a bad sunburn.
Rampage: Section of a book about male sheep.
Ratify: Ro use a spell and turn a person into a rodent.
Reality: 1) Natural phenomenon sometimes occurring to people
who can't handle drugs or alcohol. Rudyh 2)Nothing but a collective hunch.
Jane Wagner
Reconsider, v.: To seek a justification for a decision already
made. Ambrose Bierce
Redundancy: To be repetitive. See also Redundancy
Relativity: Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and
it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like
a minute. Albert Einstein
Relief: What trees do in the spring.
Religion: 1) A daughter of hope and
fear, explaining to ignorant the nature of the unknowable. Ambrose Bierce
2) Religion is the human response to being alive and having to die. F.
Forrester Church 3) Religion can be defined as a system of beliefs and
practices by means of which a group of people struggles with the ultimate
problems of human life. Milton Yinger 4) A daughter of Hope and Fear,
explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable. Ambrose Bierce
5) Religion is to do right. It is to love, it is to serve, it is to think,
it is to be humble. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Research: Copying from two or more sources, plagiarism is
copying from one.
Resolute, adj.: Obstinate in a course that we approve. Ambrose
Bierce
Respectability, n.: The offspring of a liaison between a
bald head and a bank account. Ambrose Bierce
Revolution, n.: The opium of intellectuals. In politics,
an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. Ambrose Bierce
Riches: The savings of many in the hands of one. Eugene Debs
Riot, n.: A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent
bystanders. Ambrose Bierce
Rum, n.: Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers. Ambrose Bierce
Rumor: 1) News that travels at the speed of sound. 2) Sound which
travels faster than light. 3) Undocumented journalism. Rudyh
S
Sailing: The fine art of working hard, getting
wet, sleeping little and becoming ill, while going nowhere slowly at great
expense.
Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited. Ambrose Bierce
Salesman: Man with the ability to
convince his wife she'd look fat in mink. See also Politician
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and
the person who doesn't get it.
Sauna: Finnish tool for torture by steaming naked people
alive and prepare them for an ice-cold bath. Believed to be healthy(?)
Sauna bath: Slimming pool.
School teacher: 1) Disillusioned person who used to think
he liked children. 2) Adult schoolkid who refused to leave school. Rudyh
Science: 1) The art of systematic over-simplification. Sir
Karl Raymund Popper. 2) Organized common sense where many a beautiful
theory is killed by an ugly fact. Thomas Henry Huxley 3) A refinement
of everyday thinking. Albert Einstein 4) An objective view of the
universe by highly educated subjective nerds. Rudyh
Secret: Information you distribute to one person at a time.
Secretary: Housewife for the office. Rudyh
Scriptures: The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished
from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based. Ambrose
Bierce
Self-control: The ability to eat only one peanut from a bag.
Self-esteem, n. An erroneous appraisement. Ambrose
Bierce
Self-evident, adj.: Evident to one's self and to nobody else.
Ambrose Bierce
Selfish, adj. 1) Occupation of the owner of a seafood store. 2) Annoying
quality of someone who has what I want, but is not prepared to give it to
me. Rudyh 3) Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
Ambrose Bierce
Serious commitment: For women: marriage,
for men: "Oh all right, I'll stay the night." See also commitment
Seriousness: The only refuge of the shallow. Oscar Wilde
Sex: 1) Activity of a mouse to become mice. 2) Activity of
men to cause happiness, and of women to cause child-labor.
Shin: Part of the human body designed for finding furniture
in the dark.
Shopping: Retail therapy. Daffy Joe Heuer
Show off: Child who is more talented than yours.
Simplicity: The outward sign and symbol of depth of thought.
Lin Yutang
Skeleton: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
Smart bomb: Bomb which refuses to explode.
Smile: A curve of the mouth that can set a lot of things
straight.
Smoking: 1) Voluntarily creating carcinogenic bad air in
which you would never accept to work in. 2) Male garment to resemble a penguin,
worn usually at occasions where all men dress up like penguins.
Sniff: A social custom between dogs, where they place their
nose as close as possible to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeated
several times until their owner makes them stop.
Sober: 1) Painful period after the blissful effect of alcohol
has finished. 2) Mental condition in which it is almost impossible to fall
in love.
Sofa: Dogs napkin. After eating, dogs run up and down the
front of it to wipe the whiskers clean.
Sorcery, n.: The ancient prototype and forerunner of political
influence. It was, however, deemed less respectable and sometimes was punished
by torture and death. Ambrose Bierce
Space: Much ado about nothing. Rudyh
Spinnaker: An extremely large, lightweight, balloon-shaped
piece of sailcloth frequently trailed in the water off the bow in a big bundle
to slow a sailboat down.
Spoiled rotten: What children become after as little as 15
minutes with grandparents. Suspected to be an act of revenge from parents
to their ex-teenagers.
Stairs: A tall wall diagonally staggered into units of short
walls.
Standard: 1) Sub-standard.2) Quality level belonging to deluxe prices.
Statistician : Someone who is good with numbers but lacks
the personality to be an accountant
Statistics: 1) The science of producing unreliable facts
from reliable figures. Evan Esar 2) The only science that enables
different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions. Evan
Esar
Sterilize: 1) What you do to your first baby's pacifier by
boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. 2) Small operation
to 'fix' a pet to destroy their prime function in life.
Stock: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 when
you buy it and promised to be worth $50 very soon. After purchase, it will
be worth $8.50 or less.
Straw : A device with sonic alarm, invented to inform people
that their beverage is empty.
Strike: 1) An effort by employees and unions to increase
egg production by strangling the chicken. 2) Workers not working to work for
more money. Rudyh
Subdued: A guy that works on submarines.
Suburbia : Where they tear out the trees to build houses,
and name streets after them.
Success: 1) The one unpardonable sin against our fellows.
Ambrose Bierce 2) To laugh often and much to win the respect
of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation
of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate
beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether
by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know
even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. That is to have
succeeded. Ralph Waldo Emerson 3) The ability to go from one failure
to another with no loss of enthusiasm. Winston Churchill
Suicide: The sincerest form of self-criticism.
Summer: The season when a man thinks he can cook better on
an outdoor grill than his wife can on an indoor stove.
Sun: Nature's Prozac. Astrid Alauda
Supernatural: A null word.One man's "magic" is another man's
engineering. Robert Heinlein
Superstition: Aa premature explanation that overstays its time. George Iles
Swearing: A compromise between running away and fighting.
Finley Peter Dunne
Sweater: Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling
chilly. Ambrose Bierce
Swimming pool: A mob of people with water in it.
System update: 1) A quick method of trashing all of your
software. 2) Specialty of Microsoft to cover up miserable programming with
usually more miserable programming. 3) Software change to exchange one bug
for at least one new one. Rudyh
T
Tact: 1) the knack of making a point without making an enemy. Isaac Newton 2) The ability to see others as they wish to be seen.
3) The art of making guests feel at home when that's where you wish they were.
Tattoo: Permanent proof of temporary insanity.
Taxes: 1) Of life's two certainties,
the only one for which you can get an extension. 2) Legal theft. See also
Organised Crime and Government
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated
by feminine power.
Teenager: 1) An adolescent whose hang-ups do not include
his clothes. 2) Person at an age at which he is certain to never make the
same mistakes as his parents.
Telephone, n.: An invention of the
devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person
keep his distance. Ambrose Bierce See also Mobile.
Telescope, n.: A device having a relation to the eye similar
to that of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us
with a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a bell
summoning us to the sacrifice. Ambrose Bierce
Television: The first truly democratic culture - the first
culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want.
The most terrifying thing is what people do want. Clive Barnes
Temptation: Something you want to do but know you shouldn't.
See sin. On second thoughts, don't see sin, since sin sometimes leads to temptation.
Terminal illness: Sickness at an airport.
Testicle: a humorous question on a medical exam.
Theoretical Physicist: A physicist whose existence is postulated
to make the numbers balance, but who is never actually observed in a laboratory.
Thesaurus, n.: Ancient reptile with large vocabulary.
Thunder: A signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans
remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary for dogs to
warn them of the danger by howling, trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling
the eyes wildly, and following people at their heels.
Time: 1) What keeps everything from happening at once. 2)
The best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.3) That quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. But lately it doesn't seem to be working.
Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.
Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.
Top bunk: Bed where you should never put a child wearing
Superman pajamas.
Traffic light: Apparatus that automatically turns red when
your car approaches.
Treason: What the acorn is to the oak.
Truth: Rarely pure and never simple. Oscar Wilde
Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she
begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
U
Unorganised Crime: See Government
and see Organised Crime
Urine: 1) Opposite of "you're out". 2) Yellow liquid
secreted by men after drinking too much beer. 3) See Leak,
taking a ~
V
Vague, adj.: Sort of a way you can be about
things. Paul (?)
Valentine's day: A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner,
diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card
Vegans: Modern day witches who are seduced by evil spirits
into mocking God by ignoring His order for us to eat meat (Bible: 1, Timothy
4:1-3).
Vegetarian, n.: Old indian word for bad hunter.
Verdict, n.: Formal decision rendered by the jury or judge
in a trial based on which of the lawyers’ lies
seemed the most credible.
Violence, n.: Last resort of the incompetent. Isaac Asimov
Vote, n.: Instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make
a fool of himself and a wreck of his country. Ambrose Bierce
W
War: A strange game, as the only winning move
is not to play. 2) A relic of babarism probably destined to become as obsolete
as duelling. Lord Kelvin 3) An international lose
- lose situation.Rudyh 4) A cowardly escape from the problems of peace.
Thomas Mann
Wastebasket: Dog-toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy
wrapper. When getting bored, dogs turn over the basket and strew the papers
all over the house until their person comes home.
Water: 1) fish-air 2) liquidizer component in beer.
Waterproof mascara: Paint for women. Comes off if you cry,
shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Weed: An unloved flower. Sherita Mason
Whatever: A woman's way of saying: "*!#@ YOU" see
also the Woman's dictionary
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
Wholesome: The only thing from which you can take the whole
and still have some left.
Wisdom: What's left after we've run out of personal opinions. Cullen Hightower
Wise-crack: A comedian with a phd.
Witch, n.: 1) Any ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked
league with the devil. 2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness
a league beyond the devil. Ambrose Bierce
Witness: Individual who swears to tell the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth, and then proceeds to tell the story the way
his lawyer instructed him to tell it.
Women: The only oppressed group in society that lives in
intimate association with their opressors. Evelyn Cunningham
Word: Word for a word. Rudyh
Work: 1) The curse of the drinking classes.
Oscar Wilde 2) Disgusting interruption of holidays, sleep, meals and watching TV.
Worry: 1) Interest paid on trouble before it falls due. 2)
Attitude which gives small things a big shadow. 3) Trying to plan misery. Rudyh
Wrinkles: Facial imperfection other people have. I have character
lines.
X
X: Abstract phenomenon that math teachers
are apparently incapable of figuring out, but students are supposed to know, see also Y. Rudyh
Y
Y: The second phenomenon that math teachers
do not understand, but students are supposed to know. See also X.
Rudyh
Yacht broker: Form of coastal marine life found in many harbors
in the northern hemisphere generally thought to occupy a position on the evolutionary
scale above algae, but somewhat below the cherrystone clam. See Broker
Yawn: 1) An honest opinion openly expressed. 2) The only
time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Year, n.: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
Ambrose Bierce
Yogis: Sex addicted skinny granola crunchers who believe
that if you can tie your body into a knot you will reach enlightenment through
extended orgasms.
Youth: The best time to be rich, and the best time to be
poor.Euripides
Z
Zebra: Ze cloth which covers ze breasts of
vimmen
Zucchini: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or
steamed before kids refuse to eat it.
Woman's
dictionary; essential knowledge for men!
Lesson 1 - The Basics
- Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument
when they think they are right and you need to shut up.
- Five minutes: If she is getting dressed, this
is half an hour. 'Five minutes' is five minutes or less if you have just
been given 'five more minutes' to watch the game before helping around
the house.
- Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This
means "a lot ," and you should be on your toes. Arguments
that begin with ''Nothing'' usually end in "Fine" (See above.)
- Go ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't
do it, you’ll regret this.
- Loud sigh: This is not actually a word, but is
a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud
Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she
is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."(See above.)
- That's OK: This is one of the most dangerous
statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay"
means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how
and when you will pay for your mistake.
- Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not question
it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
- Whatever: It's a woman's way of saying: "*!#@
YOU"
Lesson 2 - The Tricky Ones
- Pay close attention: there will be a quiz later.
- We need to talk: I need to complain
- You’re ... so manly: You need a shave and you
sweat a lot.
- You’re certainly attentive tonight: Is sex all
you ever think about?
- I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting!:
I’m on my period.
- I heard a noise: I noticed you were almost asleep.
- Do you love me?: I’m going to ask for something
expensive. Can occasionally mean the same as 'How much do you love
me?' (See below)
- How much do you love me?: I wrecked the car on
the parking lot.
- I’ll be ready in a minute.: Kick off your shoes
and find a good game on T.V.
- Do you like this recipe?: It’s easy to fix, so
you’d better get used to it.
- Was that the baby?: Why don’t you get out of
bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
- I’m not yelling!:Of course I am yelling; you aren't paying attention to my all-important complaint.
Lesson 3 - Philosophy
- I need wedding shoes: the other 40 pairs are
the wrong shade of white.
- Be romantic, turn out the lights: I have flabby
thighs.
- Are you listening to me!?: Too late, you’re dead.
- You have to learn to communicate: Just agree
with me.
- This kitchen is so inconvenient: I want a new
house.
- I want new curtains: and carpeting, and furniture,
and wallpaper....., and what about a new house?
- Is my butt fat?: Tell me I’m beautiful.
Lesson 4 - Advanced classes
- Yes: No
- No: No
- Maybe: No
- I’m sorry.: You’ll be sorry.
- You want: You want.... - how can someone be so stupid?
- We need: I want
- It’s your decision: The correct decision should
be obvious by now.
- Do what you want: You’ll pay for this later.
- Sure... go ahead: I don’t want you to.
- I’m not upset: Of course I’m upset, you moron!
- Hang the picture there: NO, I mean hang it there! Or there, or somewhere else, so I can gradually make up my mind and order you about the house in the process.
- All we’re going to buy is a soap dish: It goes
without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department,
the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and
OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did
you bring your checkbook?
Extra class - The answer to "What’s
wrong?"
- The same old thing: Nothing
- Nothing: Everything
- Everything: My PMS is acting up
- Nothing, really: It’s just that you’re such an
asshole
- I don’t want to talk about it: Go away, I’m still
building up steam
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