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A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
1: Number indicating ME
486: The average IQ required to thoroughly understand a computer.
A funny fun crazy silly dictionary
Abdicate, v.: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Abdomen, n.: The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, with sacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient faith commands but a stammering assent. They sometimes minister at the altar in a half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverence for the one deity that men really adore they know not. If woman had a free hand in the world's marketing the race would become graminivorous. Ambrose Bierce
Abnormal: Anyone or anything that differs from my idea of "average."
Aborigines, n.: Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize. Ambrose Bierce
Abort : To correct a misconception. Dave Krieger
Absentee: A missing golfing accessory.
Abstainer: Weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. Ambrose Bierce
Absurdity: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion. Ambrose Bierce
Accountant: One who tells you approximately how much you are worth and exactly what you owe them.
Accrue: People who work on a ship.
Achievement: 1) The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust. Ambrose Bierce 2) The end of doing and the beginning of bragging.
Acquaintance: a person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. Ambrose Bierce
Acre: literally means the amount of land plowable in one day. In my case it would be four feet by four feet.
Ad infinitum: Latin for forever, without limit, indefinitely as in how long the lawyer intends to keep billing you.
Adamant: The very first ant in the Garden of Eden.
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.Ambrose Bierce
Adolescence : 1) A time in a kid's life when parents become dificult. Ryan O'Neal 2) The period when a teenager feels he will never be as dumb as his parents.
Adolescent : A teen who acts like a baby if you don't treat them like an adult.
Adorable: What you ring when you go visiting.
Adult: Person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Adventure: 1) The land between entertainment and panic.2) Only an inconvenience rightly considered. An inconvenience is an adventure wrongly considered. G. K. Chesterton 3) Just bad planning. Roald Amundsen
Adverse: Poem in a commercial.
Advice: What we ask for that we already know the answer to but wish we didn't. Erica Jong.
Aerosol: The atmosphere of the sun.
Affidavit: Written pack of lies and untruths, when made under oath by an individual and then notarized, becomes a written pack of notarized lies and untruths.
Afternoon : The part of one's day spent worrying about how the morning was wasted.
Ahead: The thing on top of your neck.
Air, n.: A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor. Ambrose Bierce
Airhead: What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Alarms: What an octopus is.
Alcohol: A liquid good for preserving almost everything except secrets. Gideon Wurdz
Alcoholic: Drunk who is scared of a hangover.
Alienation: A foreign country.
Alimony: 1) The fee a woman charges for name-dropping. 2) The high cost of leaving. 3) A mistake by two people, paid for by one.
Alliance, n.: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third. Ambrose Bierce
Alone, adj. In bad company. Ambrose Bierce
Ambassador : An honest man sent to lie abroad for the good of his country. Sir Henry Wotton
Amnesia: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again. Similarly, a condition that enables men to marry after a divorce.
Amnesty, n.: The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish. Ambrose Bierce
Anarchy: a type of government which is none. Rudyh
Anchor light: a small light used to discharge the battery before daylight.
Anchor: 1) Any of a number of heavy, hook-shaped devices that is dropped over the side of the boat on the end of a length of rope and/or chain, and which is designed to hold a vessel securely in place until (a) the wind exceeds 2 knots, (b) the owner and crew depart, or (c) 3 a.m. 2.) A device designed to bring up mud samples from the bottom at inopportune or unexpected times. 3). The thing rotting in the bilge of every racing yacht (unseen).
Anonymous : The worlds most popular author.
Antique: An item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again.
Antisocial: Mother's sister being friendly.
Anymore: A random marsh.
Apparent: Mom or Dad.
Archaeologist: Man whose career lies in ruins.
Archives: Where Noah kept the bees.
Architect, n.: One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft of your money. Ambrose Bierce
Argument: A discussion that occurs when you're right, but the other just hasn't realized yet.
Aristocracy, n. Government by the best men. (In this sense the word is obsolete; so is that kind of government.) Fellows that wear downy hats and clean shirts – guilty of education and suspected of bank accounts. Ambrose Bierce
Assassination : Extreme form of censorship. George Bernard Shaw
Atheism: 1) A non-prophet organization. George Carlin 2) the religion devoted to the worship of one's own smug sense of superiority. Stephen Colbert
Atheist: 1) The loyal opposition to God. Woody Allen 2) A man who has no invisible means of support. John Buchan
Atom bomb: An invention to end all inventions.
Attorney - client privilege: Bestowed upon the client wherein he or she receives the privilege of paying a lawyer $100, $200 or more per hour to screw up his or her case.
Australian kiss: Same as French kiss, only down under.
Autobiography, n.: 1) A history of cars. 2) An unrivaled vehicle for telling the truth about other people. Philip Guedalla
Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baby : A loud voice at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other. Ronald Knox
Baby-sitter: Teenager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teenagers.
Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk. Ambrose Bierce
Bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable
Bacteria: Rear entrance to a cafeteria.
Balderdash: A rapidly receding hairline.
Bank:1) A place that will lend you money if you can prove you don't need it. 2) Money-farm. Rudyh
Bankruptcy: Formal condition of a person being deemed insolvent under law, often encountered by people after paying their lawyer's bill. By declaring bankruptcy, the person agrees to divert his or her remaining assets to the lawyer handling the bankruptcy.
Bar: Long, low-lying navigational hazard, usually awash, found at river mouths and harbor entrances, where it is composed of sand or mud, and ashore, where it is made of mahogany or some other dark wood. Sailors can be found stranded in large numbers around both.
Barbeque: 1) Women buy groceries, wash lettuce, chop tomatoes, dice onions, marinate meat and clean everything up, but men "made dinner." 2) Low-tech apparatus to turn charcoal into smoke and meat into charcoal.
Barium: What we do to most people when they die.
Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having. Ambrose Bierce
Barrister: English derivation of the French term for bastard. See “bastard”.
Bartender: A pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Basket: A little girl living in northern Spain.
Bastard: French term for lawyer. As in, “that lawyer is a bastard - pardon my French.”
Bath: A process by which humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. Dogs, when wet, can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
Bathroom: Room used by the entire family for private purposes, believed by all - except mom - to be self-cleaning.
Bear: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
Beauty : The power with which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
Beauty parlor: Place where women curl up and dye.
Beer: Healthy and most enjoyable form of water.
Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues. Ambrose Bierce
Better: What we instantly feel when we realize our neighbor's problems are as bad as our own
Beyond a reasonable doubt: A novel concept in jurisprudence wherein the lawyers on both sides of the case attempt to establish that the other side is lying more than they are.
Bible: A divinely inspired book, admirably suited for the needs of one's neighbors. Ambrose Bierce
Bicycles: Two-wheeled exercise machines, operated by humans, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, dogs must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and the dog can then walk away, refreshed from the exercise.
Bigamy: Having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Oscar Wilde
Bigamist : Man who makes a second mistake before he corrects the first.
Bigot, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain. Ambrose Bierce
Birth: The first and direst of all disasters. Ambrose Bierce
Birth control: Avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men, or spending time around children.
Birthday: Anniversary of one's birth. Observed only by men and children. Gideon Wurdz
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Blonde jokes: Jokes that are kept short so men can understand them.
Blues, The : An autobiographical chronicle of a catastrophe, expressed lyrically. Ralph Ellison
Boat: A hole in the water surrounded by wood/plastic/steel/aluminum into which you pour all your money.
Bond: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in amazon.com.
Book: 1) A utensil used to pass time while waiting for the computer repairman. 2) Old-fashioned set of static computerscreens. Rudyh
Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen. Ambrose Bierce
Boss: 1) Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early. 2) Someone who can say something really stupid without having anyone disagree.
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for daddy to get up at 2 am too.
Boundary, n.: In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of the other. Ambrose Bierce
Bowl: A large handle-less cup.
Brain, n.: 1) My second favorite organ Woody Allen 2) An apparatus with which we think we think. Ambrose Bierce
Bride, n.: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. Ambrose Bierce
Bridge: A game in which a wife is always eager to do her husband's bidding.
Broker: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell broke, more debts is spelled as broker.
Bruise Lee: Inept martial-arts student.
Budget: 1) An attempt to live below your yearnings. 2) A method for going broke methodically.
Buffet: A French word that means "get up and get it yourself."
Bug, n: An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends when people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. "Datamation", January 15, 1984
Bull: 1) What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds disappeared during the last quarter. 2) see Politics
Bulldozing: Falling asleep during a political speech.
Bump: The best way for dogs to get human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
Bunk: A small, uncomfortable area for wet sailors to attempt sleep.
Burden of proof: The requirement demanded by lawyers that their clients prove beyond a reasonable doubt that they have absolutely no more money left in their bank accounts. Once the stringent burden of proof requirement is met, confirming that you’re flat broke, the lawyer feels ethically compelled to withdraw from your case.
Burglarize: Visual organs of a crook.
Business: 1) Other people's money. Peter F. Drucker 2) Acting busy in an office environment.
Caesarean section: District in Rome.
Cannibal: 1) Someone who is fed up with people. 2) A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple tastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period. Ambrose Bierce 3) A guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter.
Cannon, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries. Ambrose Bierce
Canvas: 1) An abrasive sailcloth used to remove excess skin from knuckles. 2) cloth used by artist to waste paint on.
Capital Punishment: Killing people who kill people to prove that killing people is wrong. Sister Helen Prejean
Car sickness: The feeling you get when the car payment is due.
Caramel: A motorized camel.
Cat: 1) Unique mammal that keeps humans as slaves. 2) Pygmy lion who love mice, hates dogs and patronizes humans. Oliver Herford
Celebrity: 1) One who is known by many people he is glad he didn't know. H.L. Mencken 2) A person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. Fred Allen
Censor : A man who thinks he knows more than you ought to. Laurence J. Peter
Chaos Theory: New theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones. Mike Barfield
Character: That what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose. Evan Esar
Cheese: Milk's leap toward immortality. Clifton Fadiman
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Child: God's punishment for having sex. Rudyh
Childbirth: Going through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus, ...breathe ...push..."
Childhood, n.: 1) The period of human life intermediate between the idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth – two removes from the sin of manhood and three from the remorse of age. Ambrose Bierce 2)That wonderful time of life when all you need to do to lose weight is take a bath. Richard Zera
Christian fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life. Andrew Lias
Chronocide: Killing time
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.
Circus, n.: A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool. Ambrose Bierce
Civilization: 1) A race between education and catastrophe. H.G. Wells 2) The distance man has placed between himself and his excreta. Brian Aldiss
Circumvent: The opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Cistern: Opposite of brothern.
Clarionet, n.: An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a clarionet – two clarionets. Ambrose Bierce
Claustrophobic: People who are afraid of Santa Claus.
Classic: Something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. Mark Twain
Climate: The only thing you can do with a ladder.
Clock: A small mechanical device to wake up people without children.
Clothes dryer: An appliance designed to eat socks.
Coalition: A rockingchair with inbuilt explosives.
Coffee: A person who is coughed upon.
College: The four year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.
Colonial: Pertaining to the large intestine.
Comfort: A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbour's uneasiness. Ambrose Bierce
Commerce, n.: A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E. Ambrose Bierce
Commission: The only reliable way to wake money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.
Commitment, n.: Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
Committee: 1) A group of people who keep minutes and waste hours. M. Berle. 2) Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Common Sense : Genius dressed up in working clothes. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Commonwealth, n. 1) An administrative entity operated by an incalculable multitude of political parasites, logically active but fortuitously efficient. Ambrose Bierce 2) International political organisation to make wealth common in the UK. Rudyh
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Computer: In the past: calculator; in the present: mediacenter; in the future: God. Rudyh
Conclusion : What you reach when you're tired of thinking. Martin Fischer
Conference: 1) The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present. 2) Gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done. Fred Allen
Conference room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Confusion: A state of mind that you have been taught to think that you can have. Thomas Langmyr Ervik
Connoisseur: One who attains an obsessive knowledge of wines, audio equipment, cats or French cheeses so as to confer a sense of inadequacy on those who would simply enjoy them.
Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility. Ambrose Bierce
Conscience: 1) The thing which hurts when everything else feels good. 2) Conscience is the inner voice warning us that someone may be looking. H.L. Mencken
Consciousness: The annoying time between naps.
Conservative : 1) Person who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. 2) A man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. Franklin D. Roosevelt 3) A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with others. Ambrose Bierce
Consistency: 1) The last refuge of the unimaginative. Oscar Wilde 2) Attitude which requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago. Bernard Berenson
Consul, n.: A person who having failed to secure and office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country. Ambrose Bierce
Consultant: 1) Someone who borrows, your watch, tells you the time and then charges you for the privilege. letter in the Times newspaper 2) Someone you call in at the last minute to share the blame.
Controversy, n. A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the injurious cannon-ball and the inconsiderate bayonet. Ambrose Bierce
Conversation, n. A fair to the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of his neighbor. Ambrose Bierce
Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility. Ambrose Bierce
Costs: in the legal vernacular, includes every possible combination of fees, costs, charges, reimbursements, expenses and the like that lawyers are able conjure up in their never ending quest to siphon every dollar from every client each and every time out. It should be mentioned that this task is not nearly as easy as the lawyers make it appear.
Counterfeiter: 1) worker who puts together kitchen cabinets. 2) individual who prints illegally does what governments do legally Rudyh.
Courage: 1) The fear of being thought a coward. Horace Smith. 2) The judgment that something is more important than fear. Ambrose Redmoon
Courtesy: The art of yawning with your mouth closed.
Coward: One who, in a perilous emergency, thinks with his legs. Ambrose Bierce
Creativity: Piercing the mundane to find the marvelous. Bill Moyers
Creator: A comedian whose audience is afraid to laugh. Imagine the creator as a low comedian, and at once the world becomes explicable. H.L. Mencken
Credit: Negative money, which you can spend like normal money.
Credit Card: Plastic device allowing you to buy things you cannot afford, so the economy can thrive on the lack of money. Rudyh
Crew: 1) Sailor's term: heavy, stationary objects used on ships to hold down charts, anchor cushions in place and dampen sudden movements of the boom. 2) In air travel: people who try to remind that when the plane crashes, it is useful to wear a safety belt. They sometimes serve a snack called dinner, or five peanuts which they call a snack, and use trolleys as a way to prevent you from reaching the toilet.
Crime: 1) An illegal offense or activity which lawyers are free to perpetrate without consequence, but when committed by anyone else would result in the offender getting thrown in jail. 2) Taxes
Criminal: 1) Someone no different from the rest of us, except that he got caught. 2) A person with predatory instincts who has not sufficient capital to form a corporation. Howard Scott
Crowbar: Public facility where birds can buy a drink.
Cult : 1) Not enough people to make a minority. Robert Altman 2) A religion with no political power. Tom Wolfe
Curve: The loveliest distance between two points Mae West
Cynic: 1) A man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. Henry L. Mencken 2) A person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern. Edgar A. Shoaff 3) A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Ambrose Bierce 4) A man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing. Oscar Wilde 5) Not merely one who reads bitter lessons from the past, but who is prematurely disappointed in the future. Sidney J. Harris
Cynicism: The intellectual cripple's substitute for intelligence. Russell Lynes
Daffynitions: what this dictionary is full of.
Dance: 1) a little insanity that does us all a lot of good. Edward Demby 2) To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably with arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter. Ambrose Bierce
Date: an organized meeting with someone who has yet to realize their intense dislike for you
Dating: General: The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. For males: trying to have sex. For women: trying to find a rich prince to marry.
Dawn, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it. Ambrose Bierce
Day, n.: A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day improper – the former devoted to sins of business, the latter consecrated to the other sort. These two kinds of social activity overlap. Ambrose Bierce
Dead, adj.: Terminally inconvenienced.
Deafness: this is a malady which affects dogs when their persons want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down. Humans usually start looking the other way in similar situations.
Death, n.: To stop sinning suddenly.
Debt, n.: 1) negative money - used by banks to produce more negative money. 2) Unique type of money that multiplies automatically 3) An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave- driver. Ambrose Bierce
Defame, v. t. To lie about another. To tell the truth about another. Ambrose Bierce
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before
Deluxe: Expensive word for standard.
Democracy: 1) a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance. H.L. Mencken. 2) Being allowed to vote for the candidate you dislike least. Robert Byrne 3) Government accepted by a majority of people who believe in dreams. 4) The bludgeoning of the people, by the people, for the people. Oscar Wilde 5) Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage. H.L. Mencken 6) consists of choosing your own dictators, after they've told you what you think it is you want to hear. Alan Coren 7) A device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve. George Bernard Shaw 8) A process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame. Laurence J. Peter 9) Government by discussion, but it is only effective if you can stop people talking. Clement Atlee - see also Organized crime and voter.
Dentist: a magician who puts metal into your mouth, and pulls coins out of your pocket.
Depression: Rage spread thin. George Santayana
Depth: height turned upside down.
Dermatologist: One who makes rash judgments
Desert: useless piece of land, appreciated by children. Rudyh
Destiny: a tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure. Ambrose Bierce
Diaphragm, n.: A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest from disorders of the bowels. Ambrose Bierce
Dictator, n.: The chief of a nation that prefers the pestilence of despotism to the plague of anarchy. Ambrose Bierce
Dictionary, n.: A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work. Ambrose Bierce
Diet: a brief period of starvation followed by a gain of double the pounds you have lost.
Diet soda: A drink bought at a convenience store to go with a bag of chips and/or chocolate bars.
Dilate: To live long.
Dilemma : A politician trying to save both of his faces at once. Herbert B. Prochnow
Dinosaur: How a giant lizard feels after a tough workout.
Diplomacy, n.: 1) The art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock. Will Rogers 2) The art of letting other people have your own way.
Diplomat: Person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Disarmament: An agreement between nations to scuttle all their obsolete weapons.
Discussion, n.: A method of confirming others in their errors. Ambrose Bierce
Disk crash: Typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Disneyland: People-trap operated by a mouse.
Distance, n.: The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to call theirs, and keep. Ambrose Bierce
Distress signals: 1) In sailor's language: international signals which indicate that a boat is in danger. For example, in: american waters: the sudden appearance of lawyers, the pointing of fingers, and repression of memories; italian waters: moaning, weeping, and wild gesticulations; french waters: fistfights, horn blowing, and screamed accusations; spanish waters: boasts, taunts, and random gunfire; irish waters: rhymthic grunting, the sound of broken glass, and the detonation of small explosive devices; japanese waters: shouted apologies, the exchange of calling cards, and minor self-inflected wounds; english waters: doffed hats, the burning of toast, and the spilling of tea. 2) In air travel: a tiny light bulb on your life-jacket and sometimes a whistle.
Divorce: 1) future tense of marriage. 2) Postgraduate in school of love. 3) An extra difficult time at the end of a couple’s married life where they are forced to deal with bad feelings, bad lawyers, and everyone wanting more money. 4) America's great contribution to marriage. Edward Fawcett
Divorce lawyer: Lawyer whose primary responsibility is to make sure you get half and he gets the other half.
Doctor: Person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Dog: The only thing on Earth that will love you more than you love yourself. Josh Billings
Dog bed: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
Drama : Life with the dull bits left out. Alfred Hitchcock
Drool: What you do when others have food and you don't. For dogs to do this properly they must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on your lap.
Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
Drunkenness: Temporary suicide. Bertrand Russell
Dumbwaiter: Waiter who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Dust: 1) Mud with the juice squeezed out. 2) Nature's protective coating for anything inside a house.
Easy: 1) Term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man. 2) Any type of automated equipment, until it fails.
Eat, v.: i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition. Ambrose Bierce
Eccentricity, n.: A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ it to accentuate their incapacity. Ambrose Bierce
Economist: 1) A person who knows more about money than the people who have it. 2) A a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible. Alfred A. Knopf. See also: Fortune-teller.
Economy class: No class. Rudyh
Edible: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm. Ambrose Bierce
Editor: A person employed on a newspaper whose business it is to separate the wheat from the chaff, and to see that the chaff is printed. Elbert Hubbard
Education 1) The ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence. Robert Frost 2) That which discloses the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding. Ambrose Bierce 3) That what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school. Albert Einstein 4) Not filling a bucket but lighting a fire. William Butlet Yeats 4) State-controlled manufactory of echoes. Norman Douglas 5) Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know. Daniel J. Boorstin 6) A progressive discovery of our own ignorance.Will Durant
Efficiency: Intelligent laziness. David Dunham
Egocentric: Person who believes he is everything you know you are.
Egotist: 1) A person of low taste - more interested in himself than in me. Ambrose Bierce 2) A person who doesn't talk about others. 3) Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
Egotism: Anaesthetic that dulls the pain of stupidity. Frank Leahy
Emergency numbers: Telephone numbers for: police station, fire department, ambulance and places that deliver pizzas.
Enema: Not a friend.
Estimated position: Place marked on the chart where you are sure you are not.
Etc.: Sign used to make others believe that you know more than you really do.
Eternity: The last two minutes of a football game when you are winning.
Evangelist, n.: A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of our neighbors. Ambrose Bierce
Exercise: 1) Bunk. If you are healthy, you don't need it, and if you are sick, you shouldn't take it. Henry Ford 2) For women: to walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase. For men: desperate physical exertion to get more sex.
Expenditure: Income after your tax-collector found out about it. Rudyh
Experience: 1) Revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age. Ambrose Bierce 2) The name men give to their mistakes. 3) Not what happens to a man. It is what a man does with what happens to him. Aldous Huxley 4) That marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. F. P. Jones 5) The wisdom that enables us to recognise in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced. Ambrose Bierce
Expert: 1) One who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing. 2) Someone who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
Eye contact: Method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Difficult for men because woman's eyes are not located on her breasts.
Eyedropper: Clumsy ophthalmologist
Fable: Story told by a teenager arriving home too late.
Fairy tales : Horror stories for children to prepare them for the newspapers.
Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel. Ambrose Bierce
Family: A unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Fanatic: One who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. Winston Churchill
Fancy restaurant: Expensive location that serves cold soup on purpose, and fried ice when you are lucky.
Fashion: Form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. Oscar Wilde
Father: A banker provided at birth.
Feedback: Inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate dinner.
Felony: Serious crime punishable by having a lawyer represent you.
Fiction: Story told by a completed income tax form.
Fiddle : An instrument to tickle the human ear by rubbing a horse's tail on the gut of a cat. Ambrose Bierce
Flabbergasted: Appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Flag: Sailor's language: any of an number of signaling pennants or ensigns, designed to be flown upside down, in the wrong place, in the wrong order, or at an inappropriate time.
Flashlight: Tubular metal or plastic container used for storing dead batteries.
Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Flower: Sex-organ of a plant, often found cut-off on dining room tables. (Just imagine what plants would do if ever they take over power.) Rudyh
Flying: Learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. Douglas Adams
Fobia: Fear of misspelled words.
Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries
Forgiveness: giving up all hope of a better Past. Carl Jung
Fork: an instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth. Ambrose Bierce
Fortune-teller: See economist.
Forum: In favor of drinking rum.
Free advice: Kind of advice that that costs nothing unless you act upon it.
Freedom: 1) The right to be wrong, not the right to do wrong. John G. Riefenbaker 2) just another word for nothing left to lose. Kris Kristoferson 3) Nothing but a chance to be better. Albert Camus
Friend: 1) A person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. 2) A person who knows you well, but likes you anyway.
Friendship: The only thing in this world, the usefulness of which all mankind are in agreement. Marcus Tullius Cicero
Frisbeetarianism, n.: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Front: Rear side of the rear.
Funeral, n.: A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears. Ambrose Bierce
Future: That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured. Ambrose Bierce
Garbage can: Container for dogs, put out once a week to test their ingenuity. They must stand on their hind legs and try to push the lid off with their nose. However, pushing the whole thing over usually makes the contents more easily accessible. When done right, they are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
Gargoyle: Extremely ugly statue on a church building. In medieval times, they were intended to scare away evil spirits. Now they are intend to attract tourists. The relationship between tourists and evil is considered ambiguous though.
Genealogy: 1) Hobby to find out which dead people you are related to. 2) Looking for dead family.
Ghost, n.: The outward and visible sign of an inward fear. Ambrose Bierce
Ginger ale: Drink that feels like your foot when it goes to sleep.
Global warming: Modern method to ensure nice summers all year round, generally deemed a bad idea. Rudyh
Goal: Dream with a deadline. Marjorie Blanchard
God: 1) Being whose only definition is that he is beyond man's power to conceive. Ayn Rand 2) All-compassionate and all-powerful being who appears to enjoy a world full of suffering. Rudyh
Golf: Word used in civilized society, which at the time when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, was called witchcraft.
Gossip: Lie, unless the truth will do more damage.
Government: 1) Facility to make second-hand paper out of new paper with money extracted of voters. 2) Well-documented branch of the mafia, found in nearly every country. Rudyh 3) Organisation which is elected, no matter who you vote for. See also organized crime, unorganised crime and taxes
Grammar, n.: A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet for the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to distinction. Ambrose Bierce
Grandchildren: 1. God's reward for parents who survive having children. 2. God's reward for allowing your children to live.
Grandmother: Baby-sitter who doesn't hang around the refrigerator.
Grandparents: People who think your children are wonderful, even though they are sure you're not raising them right.
Grape: Non-intoxicating wine in pill form.
Gratitude: Merely the secret hope of further favors. Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Grave: Resting-place for the deceased while waiting for an archeologist. Rudyh
Gravity: 1) Scientific myth; the earth just sucks. 2) The tendency of all bodies to approach one another with a strength proportion to the quantity of matter they contain – the quantity of matter they contain being ascertained by the strength of their tendency to approach one another. This is a lovely and edifying illustration of how science, having made A the proof of B, makes B the proof of A. Ambrose Bierce
Grocery list: List which takes half an hour writing, then usually forgotten to take with you to the store.
Gum: Adhesive for the hair. Predecessor of hair-gel.
Gunpowder, n.: An agency employed by civilized nations for the settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left unadjusted. Ambrose Bierce
Habit, n. 1) A shackle for the free. Ambrose Bierce 2) disgusting mannerism, see smoking.
Hair dresser: Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "magic."
Hand, n.: A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. Ambrose Bierce
Handkerchief, n.: 1) A small square of silk or linen, used in various ignoble offices about the face and especially serviceable at funerals to conceal the lack of tears. Ambrose Bierce 2) cold storage.
Handwriting: Autobiography. Carrie Latet
Hanging, n.: A suspended sentence.
Hangover: The Wrath of Grapes.
Happiness: 1) An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another. Ambrose Bierce 2) A good bank account, a good cook, and a good digestion. Jean Jacques Rousseau 3) An imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.Thomas Szasz
Harbor, n.: A place where ships taking shelter from storms are exposed to the fury of the customs. Ambrose Bierce
Hardware, n.: Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.
Hardware store: 1) Similar to a black hole in space if your husband goes in - he isn't coming out anytime soon. 2) One of the rare shops women do not like to do shopping, (therefore?) popular with men. 3) Shop in which men are made to believe that they like work.
Hatch: A hole to fall into.
Hatchet: What a hen does to an egg.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Heaven, n.: 1) A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own. Ambrose Bierce 2) Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. (Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.) James H. Kabbler III.
Hell: 1) The highest reward that the devil can offer you for being his servant. 2) Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife. James H. Kabbler III.
Helmsman: Fool attached to the rudder through a steering mechanism.
Help: Computer feature that assists in generating more questions. When the Help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens, and end up where they started from, without learning a damn thing.
Hen: An egg's way of making another egg. Samuel Butler
Heresy: Only another word for freedom of thought. Graham Greene
Hero: Stupid kind of soldier who has a life expectancy of less than one minute in battle.
Heroes: What a guy in a rowing boat does.
Hindsight: What one experiences when changing diapers.
Hippie: Someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah. Ronald Reagan
Historian: 1) Unsuccessful novelist. H.L. Mencken 2) A broad-gauge gossip. Ambrose Bierce
History: 1) An account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools. Ambrose Bierce 2) philosophy teaching by examples. Thucydides 3) gossip well told.Elbert Hubbard 4) the sum total of the things that could have been avoided. Konrad Adenauer 5) a vast early warning system.Norman Cousins 6) a great dust heap. -Thomas Carlyle 7) the story of the magnificent rear-guard action fought during several thousand years by dogma against curiosity.Robert S. Lynd 8) the transformation of tumultuous conquerors into silent footnotes.Paul Eldridge 9) Huge libel on human nature, to which we industriously add page after page, volume after volume, as if we were holding up a monument to the honor, rather than the infamy of our species. Washington Irving 10) A pack of lies about events that never happened told by people who weren't there. George Santayana 11) A damn dim candle over a damn dark abyss.W. Stull Holt 12) an argument without end. Pieter Geyl 13) a tool used by politicians to justify their intentions. Ted Koppel 14) The record of what one age finds worthy of note in another. Jacob Burckhardt 15) A nightmare from which I am trying to awake. James Joyce 16) Mixture of error and violence. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 17) An epic description of a slaughterhouse for humans Rudyh
Honesty: The best of all the lost arts. Mark Twain 2) The first chapter in the book of wisdom. Thomas Jefferson
Honeymoon: A vacation a man takes before beginning work under a new boss.
Hope, n:.1) Desire and expectation rolled into one. Ambrose Bierce 2) A waking dream. Aristotle
Hors d'oeuvres: Sandwich cut into 20 pieces.
Horse racing: Animated roulette. Roger Kahn
Horse sense: The thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. W.C. Fields
House, n.: A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat, mouse, beetle, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus and microbe. Ambrose Bierce
Human, n.: 1) Useful domestic animal, popular with cats, dogs and fleas 2) An ingenious assembly of portable plumbing. Christopher Morley
Humor: Gods gift to man to compensate for the law of gravity
Humbug, n.: Singing cockroach.
Hypocrite, n.: Man who murders his parents, and then pleads for mercy on the grounds that he is an orphan. Abraham Lincoln
Ice hockey: Sport which combines the best features of figure skating and World War II. Alfred Hitchcock
Idealist: A person who helps other people to be prosperous. Henry Ford
Idiot, n.: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. Ambrose Bierce
Idleness: Not doing nothing. Idleness is being free to do anything. Floyd Dell
Illegal, adj.: Large, sick bird.
Imbecility, n:. A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affecting censorious critics of this dictionary. Ambrose Bierce
Immigrant, n:. An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another. Ambrose Bierce
Immodest, adj.: Having a strong sense of one's own merit, coupled with a feeble conception of worth in others. Ambrose Bierce
Immorality: Morality of those who are having a better time. H.L. Mencken
Immortality: Toy which people cry for, and on their knees apply for, dispute, contend and lie for, and if allowed would be right proud eternally to die for. Ambrose Bierce
Impartiality: Pompous name for indifference, which is an elegant name for ignorance. G. K. Chesterton
Impostor, n.: A rival aspirant to public honors. Ambrose Bierce
Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings"
Impregnable: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Impunity, n.: Wealth. Ambrose Bierce
Income, n.: Technical term used by tax-collectors to confiscate your money (which turns it into expenditure). Rudyh
Income tax: Money one needs to pay in order to work. Rudyh See Income.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Indifference: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be "playing hard to get".
Infidel: In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does. Ambrose Bierce
Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
Information: How geese are supposed to fly.
Injustice: Decision against your favour.
Ink, n.: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. Ambrose Bierce
Insanity: 1) A minority of one. J. Mike Reed Jr 2) Driving forty minutes to a health club, then waiting thirty minutes to get on a treadmill for twenty minutes. DaffyJoe Heuer 3) To keep doing what you did before, and expect different results
Inspiration: The impact of a fact on a prepared mind. Louis Pasteur
Insolvent: Impoverished, broke, ruined, destitute, busted, out of money - the financial condition of the client after the lawsuit is finally over.
Instant credit: Instant debt
Insurance, n.: Agreement to ensure the financial survival of the insurer. Rudyh
Intellectual: One who always contributes more heat than light to a discussion. 2) A person who has discovered something more interesting than sex. Aldous Huxley
Intense: Where campers sleep.
Interesting: A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
Intestate: Dying without a will, thereby leaving your inheritance to the lawyers.
Intuition: The uncanny sixth sense which tells people that they are right, whether they are or not. Georges Lessard
Inventor: Person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization. Ambrose Bierce
Irony: Buying a suit with two pair of pants and then burning a hole in the coat. DaffyJoe Heuer
Irritating habit: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
Job: A place where you work just hard enought to avoid getting fired while getting paid just enough to avoid quitting. Daffy Joe Heuer
Journalism: 1) Merely history's first draft. Geoffrey C. Ward 2) Organized gossip. Edward Egglestone 3) A profession whose business it is to explain to others what it personally does not understand. Lord Northcliffe
Judge: Law student who marks his own examination papers. Henry L. Mencken
Jurisprudence: The science of converting a client’s money into lawyer’s fees.
Jury: (American) Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer. Robert Frost
Justice: A decision in your favor. Harry Kaufman
Keyboard: 1) The standard way to generate computer errors. 2) Important committee
Kidney: Midpoint of a child's leg.
Kiss: 1) Mom medicine. 2) Sign of love, unless you are an Eskimo or your name is Judas. Rudyh
Kissing: Means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other. Works the opposite way between teenagers and parents.
Kleptomaniac: Someone who helps himself because he can't help himself.
LLandlubber: Anyone on board of a ship who wishes he were not.
Laughter, n. 1) An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. Ambrose Bierce 2) The sensation of feeling good all over and showing it principally in one spot. Josh Billings
Law firms: Unseemly groups of lawyers who have banded together under one roof to devise new techniques and stratagems that allow them to take full advantage of loopholes within the law while making great gobs of money in the meantime.
Law license: A license to steal - and get away with it.
Law of relativity: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
Law: 1) A superficial term loosely and interchangeably used by lawyers and judges alike whenever they feel a need to put the rest of us in our pedestrian places. It is a widely accepted perception within the legal community that lawyers and judges alike are above the law and any rules governing same. 2) The paper difference between Government and Mafia. Rudyh
Lawsuit: 1) A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage. Ambrose Bierce 2) Very expensive piece of clothing which can only be afforded by lawyers persuing lawsuits. Rudyh
Lawyer: Originally derived from early Roman law, meaning “liar,” term has evolved over the years to include other derivatives, including Latin for “scoundrel,” Italian for “shyster,” Greek for “con-artist” and early Texan for “piece of horse excrement.” 2) One skilled in circumvention of the law. Ambrose Bierce 3) Mouth with a life-support system. 4) Politician without an electorate. Rudyh See also barrister.
Laziness: The habit of resting before you get tired. Jules Renard
Leak: 1) In sailor's language a situation calling for leadership. 2) Leak, taking a ~: a human function frequently performed after drinking excessive amounts of beer.
Lean: Every good dogs's response to the command "sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
Leash: Strap attached to a dog's collar, enabling them to lead their person.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".
Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age. H.L. Mencken
Legislation: Laws passed by lawyers masquerading as politicians for the benefit of the other lawyers who contributed to the politicians’ campaign coffers.
Lemonade stand: Complicated business venture to teach children trade, where mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and results in a net a loss of 75 cents.
Liberty: One of imagination's most precious possessions. Ambrose Bierce
Life: 1) A sexually transmitted disease with 100% fatality rate. 2) For Christians: a test before they are allowed to proceed to hell - for Buddhists and Hindus: the time between deaths. 3) Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans"John Lennon 4) Anything that dies when you stomp on it. Dave Barry 5) The confusing period between the confusion of birth and the confusion of death. Rudyh 6) A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. Ambrose Bierce 7) nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim. Bertrand Russell 8) An unbroken succession of false situations. Thornton Wilde
Life preserver: In sailor's language: any personal flotation device that will keep an individual who has fallen off a vessel above water long enough to be run over by another rescue craft.
Lipstick: Non-sticking coloring for the lips to enhance the beauty of your mouth. Found on his collar, mouth coloring only a tramp would wear.
Locomotive: A crazy reason.
Logic: 1) The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. Ambrose Bierce 2) An organized way of going wrong with confidence. Robert Heinlein
Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
Lottery: Voluntary tax on people who are bad at math.
Love: 1) Temporary insanity curable by marriage. Ambrose Bierce. 2) A feeling dogs can show by wagging their tail. If lucky, a human will feed them in return. 3) Friendship set on fire Jeremy Taylor 4) The irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. Mark Twain 5) The difficult realization that something other than oneself is real. Iris Murdoch
Luck: 1) Probability turned personal. Penn of Penn & Teller 2) When opportunity knocks and you answer. 3) What you have left over after you give 100 percent. Langston Coleman
Mad, adj.: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. Ambrose Bierce
Mafia: Paperless Government, invented by Italians. Rudyh
Magazine: Bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.
Magic, n.:An art of converting superstition into coin. Ambrose Bierce
Male, n.: A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. Ambrose Bierce
Man: 1) The best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. Wernher von Braun 2) The male of the human race is commonly known (to the female) as Mere Man. The genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers. Ambrose Bierce 3) A domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained by women to do most things. Jilly Cooper 4) An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada. Ambrose Bierce 5) A clever animal who behaves like an imbecile. Albert Schweitzer 6) Portable heater that snores.
Manager: Someone in charge, who tells others to do what (s)he cannot themselves. Rudyh
Margin: Place to make drawings when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.
Marriage: 1)A wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? Henry L Mencken 2) The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two. Ambrose Bierce 3) The process of finding out what type of person your spouse would prefer. DaffyJoe Heuer 4) Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one. 5) A three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. 6) The alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them. Ogden Nash
Martyrdom: The only way a man can become famous without ability. George Bernhard Shaw
Mathematician: 1) Blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. Charles R. Darwin 2) A machine for turning coffee into theorems. Paul Erdos (quoted in Paul Hoffman's 'The Man Who Loved Only Numbers')
Mausoleum, n.: The final and funniest folly of the rich. Ambrose Bierce
Maybe: No. See Perhaps
Me, pro.: The objectionable case of I. The personal pronoun in English has three cases, the dominative, the objectionable and the oppressive. Each is all three. Ambrose Bierce
Meditation: Making profound use of sitting still and doing nothing. Rudyh
Memory, n.: The thing we forget with.
Middle age: The time in life when, after pulling in your stomach, you look as if you ought to pull in your stomach.
Mile (nautical): Relativistic measure of surface distance over water - in theory, 6076.1 feet. In practice, a number of different values for the nautical mile have been observed while under sail, for example: after 4 p.m., approximately 40,000 feet; in winds of less than 5 knots, about 70,000 feet; and during periods of threatening weather in harbor approaches, around 100,000 feet.
Military glory: 1) The attractive rainbow that rises in showers of blood. Abraham Lincoln 2) Taking pride in murder. Rudyh
Military intelligence: A contradiction in terms. Groucho Marx
Military justice: is to justice what military music is to music. Groucho Marx Also see Military intelligence
Mind, n.: 1. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its chief activity consists in the endeavor to ascertain its own nature, the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing but itself to know itself with. Ambrose Bierce 2. Immaterial stuff that in rare occasions contains intelligence, more commonly it is what confusion is made of. Rudyh
Miser, n.: Person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Misfortune, n.: The kind of fortune that never misses. Ambrose Bierce
Misquotations : The only quotations that are never misquoted. Hesketh Pearson
Miss, n.: The title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. Ambrose Bierce
Mistakes: 1) Proof that you are trying. 2) The price we pay for a full life. Sophia Loren
Mobile, n.: 1) High-tech telephone intended to disturb the owner and every person within hearing distance at every inconvenient time, at every inconvenient place. Rudyh 2) Portable photo and video camera, audio and video player, notebook, address book, alarm clock, portable computer and messaging system, occasionally used for making phone calls. However, its main function being a cash-machine for phone companies. Rudyh
Modesty: 1) The gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it. 2) The only sure bait when you angle for praise. Lord Chesterfield
Money, n.: 1) A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we part with it. An evidence of culture and a passport to polite society. Supportable property. Ambrose Bierce 2) Like manure; it's not worth a thing unless it's spread around encouraging young things to grow. Thornton Wilder
Monogamy: Having one wife too many, just like bigamy.
Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better.
Motor sailor: A sailboat that alternates between sail/rigging problems and engine problems, and with some booze in the cabin.
Mouse: 1) Input device invented by Apple to make computer errors. 2) Small animal occasionally found dead in mouse-traps.
Mouth, n.: In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of the heart. Ambrose Bierce
Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once. Women are said to be far superior in it.
Mythology, n.: Someone else's religion. Joseph Campbell
Nagging: The repetition of unpalatable truths. Baroness Edith Summerskill
Nail polish: Part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc., which ironically make moms look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."
Nation: A society united by delusions about its ancestry and by common hatred of its neighbors.William Ralph Inge
Nationalism: An infantile disease, the measles of mankind Albert Einstein
Negligence: Legal principle that holds that everyone, with the notable exception of lawyers and judges who are exempt from same, have a duty to ensure that their actions do not cause harm to others.
Nervous breakdown: When your nerves work much better then you want. Rudyh
Newspapers: Dead trees with information smeared on them. ~Horizon, "Electronic Frontier"
Newtonian, adj.: Pertaining to a philosophy of the universe invented by Newton, who discovered that an apple will fall to the ground, but was unable to say why. His successors and disciples have advanced so far as to be able to say when. Ambrose Bierce
Next of kin: A person in your family you can borrow money from.
Nitrate: Cheaper than day rate.
Noise, n.: 1) Stench in the ear. 2) Undomesticated music. 3) The chief product and authenticating sign of civilization. Ambrose Bierce
Nominal fee: Outrageous charge.S
Nostalgia: isn't what it used to be. Peter De Vries
Nymphomaniac: A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
Oblivion, n. The state or condition in which the wicked cease from struggling and the dreary are at rest. Fame's eternal dumping ground. Cold storage for high hopes. A place where ambitious authors meet their works without pride and their betters without envy. A dormitory without an alarm clock. Ambrose Bierce
Occident, n. The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub-tribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient. Ambrose Bierce
Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man - who has no gills. Ambrose Bierce
Office: A place where you can relax and surf the internet after your strenuous home life.
Once, adv. Enough. Ambrose Bierce
Opera: A large public gathering where a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, he sings.
Operating system: Piece of software that tries to make you responsible for its own errors. Rudyh
Opiate, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the jail yard. Ambrose Bierce
Opportunist: A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Opportunity, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment. Ambrose Bierce
Optimism: 1) The doctrine that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong... It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious. Ambrose Bierce 2) A kind of heart stimulant - the digitalis of failure. Elbert Hubbard 3) A person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day. Irv Kupcinet
Optimist: 1) A person who, while falling from Eiffel tower, says in midway "see, I am not injured yet." 2) A person who lacks experience or suffers from amnesia. 3) Unborn pessimist. 4) A proponent of the doctrine that black is white. Ambrose Bierce 5) Someone who tells you to cheer up when things are going his way.
Organized crime: see Government, see Taxes, see Mafia
Originality: The fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. Laurence J. Peter
Outdo, v. t.: To make an enemy. Ambrose Bierce
Outpatient: Person who has fainted after seeing a doctor's bill.
Ow: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
Pacifist: A guy who fights everybody but the enemy
Painting: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic. Ambrose Bierce
Panties: The last defense on the front lines of desire.
Pantheism, n.: The doctrine that everything is God, in contradistinction to the doctrine that God is everything. Ambrose Bierce
Pants: Half a set of a single piece of clothing
Parasites: Ahat you see from the top of the Eiffel tower.
Parents: People production units.
Parole: The supervised release of prisoners before their terms are over, insuring that lawyers will have a steady supply of repeat customers.
Party-programme: A political document summarizing voters' dreams. Rudyh
Passenger: Sailor's language: a form of movable internal ballast which tends to accumulate on the leeward side of sailboats once sea motions commence.
Passport, n.: A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going abroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for special reprobation and outrage.
Patriot, n.: 1) One to whom the interests of a small part of humanity seem superior to those of the whole. 2) The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors. Ambrose Bierce
Patriotism: The willingness to kill and be killed for trivial reasons. Bertrand Russel 2) Your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it. G.B. Shaw 3) Often an arbitrary veneration of real estate above principles. George Jean Nathan
Peace: in international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. Ambrose Bierce
Perhaps: no. See maybe, or maybe not...
Pessimist: 1) One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both. Oscar Wilde 2) A man who has been compelled to live with an optimist. Elbert Hubbard, The Note-Book, 1927
Petty offense: Minor crimes, such as traffic violations, that petty lawyers can pettily amplify into a ton of legal fees to be paid by the petty offender.
Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.
Philantropist, n. A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket. Ambrose Bierce
Philosopher: 1) Someone who argues that all other philosophers are jackasses. He usually proves it, and I should add that he also usually proves that he is one himself. H.L. Mencken 2) A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Philosophy: A study that lets us be unhappy more intelligently.
Pioneer: Early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.
Plagiarism: Copying from one source (research is copying from two or more)
Plan, v. t.: To bother about the best method of accomplishing an accidental result. Ambrose Bierce
Play: Work that you enjoy doing for nothing.Evan Esar
Pocket: A hands-free bag worn with one's clothes.
Political debate: Two or more people talking in a state between deep sleep and dream, about their voters' dreams. Rudyh
Political language: Language designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind. George Orwell
Politician: 1) Salespeople who sell voter's dreams but deliver only nightmares. Rudyh 2) One who shakes your hand before elections, and your confidence and purse after. 3) Someone who is willing to lay down your life for his country.
Politics: 1) The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. Ambrose Bierce 2) A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. Ambrose Bierce 3) The art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. Groucho Marx 4) 'Poli' means 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’. 5) The art of preventing people from taking part in affairs which properly concern them. Paul Valery 6) Politics is the skilled use of blunt objects. Lester B. Pearson
Portable computer: A remarkably heavy device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Porthole: A glass-covered opening in the hull designed in such a way that when closed (while at sea) it admits light and water, and when open (while at anchor) it admits, light, air, and insects (except in canadian waters, where most species are too large to gain entry in this manner).
Prayer: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. Ambrose Bierce
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Prescription: A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient. Ambrose Bierce
Present, n:. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope. Ambrose Bierce
President, n.: A glorified public relations man who spends his time flattering, kissing and kicking people to get them to do what they are supposed to do anyway. Harry S Truman
Private tutor: Someone who doesn't fart in public.
Procrastination: The art of keeping up with yesterday. Don Marquis
Professor: Someone who talks in someone else's sleep.
Project manager: The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.
Progress : 1) What you get when each mistake is a new one. DaffyJoe Heuer 2) progress is the exchange of one nuisance for another nuisance. Henry Havelock Ellis 3) Progress is what happens when impossibility yields to necessity. Arnold J. Glasow
Propeller: In sailor's language : underwater winch designed to wind up at high speed any lines or painters left hanging over the stern.
Proverb: A short sentence based on long experience.Miguel de Saavedra Cervantes
Psychology: The search for self-understanding through the study of others
Psychiatrist: Yet another person to talk to after you start talking to yourself.
Psychologist: A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Punctuality: The virtue of the bored. Evelyn Waugh
Puritanism : The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. H. L. Mencken
Queen, n.: Woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king, and by whom it is ruled when there is not.
Quiet: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
Quotation: 1) The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. Ambrose Bierce 2) A serviceable substitute for wit. Oscar Wilde
Radicalism, n.: The conservatism of to-morrow injected into the affairs of to-day. Ambrose Bierce
Railroad, n.: The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get away from where we are to where we are no better off. For this purpose the railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits him to make the transit with great expedition. Ambrose Bierce
Raisin: Grape with a bad sunburn.
Rampage: Section of a book about male sheep.
Ratify: Ro use a spell and turn a person into a rodent.
Reality: 1) Natural phenomenon sometimes occurring to people who can't handle drugs or alcohol. Rudyh 2)Nothing but a collective hunch.
Reconsider, v.: To seek a justification for a decision already made. Ambrose Bierce
Redundancy: To be repetitive. See also Redundancy
Relativity: Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. Albert Einstein
Relief: What trees do in the spring.
Religion: 1) A daughter of hope and fear, explaining to ignorant the nature of the unknowable. Ambrose Bierce 2) Religion is the human response to being alive and having to die. F. Forrester Church 3) Religion can be defined as a system of beliefs and practices by means of which a group of people struggles with the ultimate problems of human life. Milton Yinger 4) A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable. Ambrose Bierce 5) Religion is to do right. It is to love, it is to serve, it is to think, it is to be humble. Ralph Waldo Emerson
Research: Copying from two or more sources, plagiarism is copying from one.
Resolute, adj.: Obstinate in a course that we approve. Ambrose Bierce
Respectability, n.: The offspring of a liaison between a bald head and a bank account. Ambrose Bierce
Revolution, n.: The opium of intellectuals. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. Ambrose Bierce
Riches: The savings of many in the hands of one. Eugene Debs
Riot, n.: A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders. Ambrose Bierce
Rum, n.: Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers. Ambrose Bierce
Rumor: 1) News that travels at the speed of sound. 2) Sound which travels faster than light. 3) Undocumented journalism. Rudyh
Sailing: The fine art of working hard, getting wet, sleeping little and becoming ill, while going nowhere slowly at great expense.
Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited. Ambrose Bierce
Salesman: Man with the ability to convince his wife she'd look fat in mink. See also Politician
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Sauna: Finnish tool for torture by steaming naked people alive and prepare them for an ice-cold bath. Believed to be healthy(?)
Sauna bath: Slimming pool.
School teacher: 1) Disillusioned person who used to think he liked children. 2) Adult schoolkid who refused to leave school. Rudyh
Science: 1) The art of systematic over-simplification. Sir Karl Raymund Popper. 2) Organized common sense where many a beautiful theory is killed by an ugly fact. Thomas Henry Huxley 3) A refinement of everyday thinking. Albert Einstein 4) An objective view of the universe by highly educated subjective nerds. Rudyh
Secret: Information you distribute to one person at a time.
Secretary: Housewife for the office. Rudyh
Scriptures: The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based. Ambrose Bierce
Self-control: The ability to eat only one peanut from a bag.
Self-esteem, n. An erroneous appraisement. Ambrose Bierce
Self-evident, adj.: Evident to one's self and to nobody else. Ambrose Bierce
Selfish, adj. 1) Occupation of the owner of a seafood store. 2) Annoying quality of someone who has what I want, but is not prepared to give it to me. Rudyh 3) Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others. Ambrose Bierce
Serious commitment: For women: marriage, for men: "Oh all right, I'll stay the night." See also commitment
Seriousness: The only refuge of the shallow. Oscar Wilde
Sex: 1) Activity of a mouse to become mice. 2) Activity of men to cause happiness, and of women to cause child-labor.
Shin: Part of the human body designed for finding furniture in the dark.
Shopping: Retail therapy. Daffy Joe Heuer
Show off: Child who is more talented than yours.
Simplicity: The outward sign and symbol of depth of thought. Lin Yutang
Skeleton: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
Smart bomb: Bomb which refuses to explode.
Smile: A curve of the mouth that can set a lot of things straight.
Smoking: 1) Voluntarily creating carcinogenic bad air in which you would never accept to work in. 2) Male garment to resemble a penguin, worn usually at occasions where all men dress up like penguins.
Sniff: A social custom between dogs, where they place their nose as close as possible to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeated several times until their owner makes them stop.
Sober: 1) Painful period after the blissful effect of alcohol has finished. 2) Mental condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
Sofa: Dogs napkin. After eating, dogs run up and down the front of it to wipe the whiskers clean.
Sorcery, n.: The ancient prototype and forerunner of political influence. It was, however, deemed less respectable and sometimes was punished by torture and death. Ambrose Bierce
Space: Much ado about nothing. Rudyh
Spinnaker: An extremely large, lightweight, balloon-shaped piece of sailcloth frequently trailed in the water off the bow in a big bundle to slow a sailboat down.
Spoiled rotten: What children become after as little as 15 minutes with grandparents. Suspected to be an act of revenge from parents to their ex-teenagers.
Stairs: A tall wall diagonally staggered into units of short walls.
Standard: 1) Sub-standard.2) Quality level belonging to deluxe prices.
Statistician : Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant
Statistics: 1) The science of producing unreliable facts from reliable figures. Evan Esar 2) The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions. Evan Esar
Sterilize: 1) What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it. 2) Small operation to 'fix' a pet to destroy their prime function in life.
Stock: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 when you buy it and promised to be worth $50 very soon. After purchase, it will be worth $8.50 or less.
Straw : A device with sonic alarm, invented to inform people that their beverage is empty.
Strike: 1) An effort by employees and unions to increase egg production by strangling the chicken. 2) Workers not working to work for more money. Rudyh
Subdued: A guy that works on submarines.
Suburbia : Where they tear out the trees to build houses, and name streets after them.
Success: 1) The one unpardonable sin against our fellows. Ambrose Bierce 2) To laugh often and much to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. That is to have succeeded. Ralph Waldo Emerson 3) The ability to go from one failure to another with no loss of enthusiasm. Winston Churchill
Suicide: The sincerest form of self-criticism.
Summer: The season when a man thinks he can cook better on an outdoor grill than his wife can on an indoor stove.
Sun: Nature's Prozac. Astrid Alauda
Supernatural: A null word.One man's "magic" is another man's engineering. Robert Heinlein
Superstition: Aa premature explanation that overstays its time. George Iles
Swearing: A compromise between running away and fighting. Finley Peter Dunne
Sweater: Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly. Ambrose Bierce
Swimming pool: A mob of people with water in it.
System update: 1) A quick method of trashing all of your software. 2) Specialty of Microsoft to cover up miserable programming with usually more miserable programming. 3) Software change to exchange one bug for at least one new one. Rudyh
Tact: 1) the knack of making a point without making an enemy. Isaac Newton 2) The ability to see others as they wish to be seen. 3) The art of making guests feel at home when that's where you wish they were.
Tattoo: Permanent proof of temporary insanity.
Taxes: 1) Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get an extension. 2) Legal theft. See also Organised Crime and Government
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.
Teenager: 1) An adolescent whose hang-ups do not include his clothes. 2) Person at an age at which he is certain to never make the same mistakes as his parents.
Telephone, n.: An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. Ambrose Bierce See also Mobile.
Telescope, n.: A device having a relation to the eye similar to that of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us with a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a bell summoning us to the sacrifice. Ambrose Bierce
Television: The first truly democratic culture - the first culture available to everybody and entirely governed by what the people want. The most terrifying thing is what people do want. Clive Barnes
Temptation: Something you want to do but know you shouldn't. See sin. On second thoughts, don't see sin, since sin sometimes leads to temptation.
Terminal illness: Sickness at an airport.
Testicle: a humorous question on a medical exam.
Theoretical Physicist: A physicist whose existence is postulated to make the numbers balance, but who is never actually observed in a laboratory.
Thesaurus, n.: Ancient reptile with large vocabulary.
Thunder: A signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary for dogs to warn them of the danger by howling, trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling the eyes wildly, and following people at their heels.
Time: 1) What keeps everything from happening at once. 2) The best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.3) That quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. But lately it doesn't seem to be working.
Tomorrow: One of the greatest labor-saving devices of today.
Toothache: The pain that drives you to extraction.
Top bunk: Bed where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
Traffic light: Apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.
Treason: What the acorn is to the oak.
Truth: Rarely pure and never simple. Oscar Wilde
Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Unorganised Crime: See Government and see Organised Crime
Urine: 1) Opposite of "you're out". 2) Yellow liquid secreted by men after drinking too much beer. 3) See Leak, taking a ~
Vague, adj.: Sort of a way you can be about things. Paul (?)
Valentine's day: A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card
Vegans: Modern day witches who are seduced by evil spirits into mocking God by ignoring His order for us to eat meat (Bible: 1, Timothy 4:1-3).
Vegetarian, n.: Old indian word for bad hunter.
Verdict, n.: Formal decision rendered by the jury or judge in a trial based on which of the lawyers’ lies seemed the most credible.
Violence, n.: Last resort of the incompetent. Isaac Asimov
Vote, n.: Instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country. Ambrose Bierce
War: A strange game, as the only winning move is not to play. 2) A relic of babarism probably destined to become as obsolete as duelling. Lord Kelvin 3) An international lose - lose situation.Rudyh 4) A cowardly escape from the problems of peace. Thomas Mann
Wastebasket: Dog-toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When getting bored, dogs turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until their person comes home.
Water: 1) fish-air 2) liquidizer component in beer.
Waterproof mascara: Paint for women. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Weed: An unloved flower. Sherita Mason
Whatever: A woman's way of saying: "*!#@ YOU" see also the Woman's dictionary
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
Wholesome: The only thing from which you can take the whole and still have some left.
Wisdom: What's left after we've run out of personal opinions. Cullen Hightower
Wise-crack: A comedian with a phd.
Witch, n.: 1) Any ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. 2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil. Ambrose Bierce
Witness: Individual who swears to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, and then proceeds to tell the story the way his lawyer instructed him to tell it.
Women: The only oppressed group in society that lives in intimate association with their opressors. Evelyn Cunningham
Word: Word for a word. Rudyh
Work: 1) The curse of the drinking classes. Oscar Wilde 2) Disgusting interruption of holidays, sleep, meals and watching TV.
Worry: 1) Interest paid on trouble before it falls due. 2) Attitude which gives small things a big shadow. 3) Trying to plan misery. Rudyh
Wrinkles: Facial imperfection other people have. I have character lines.
X: Abstract phenomenon that math teachers are apparently incapable of figuring out, but students are supposed to know, see also Y. Rudyh
Y: The second phenomenon that math teachers do not understand, but students are supposed to know. See also X. Rudyh
Yacht broker: Form of coastal marine life found in many harbors in the northern hemisphere generally thought to occupy a position on the evolutionary scale above algae, but somewhat below the cherrystone clam. See Broker
Yawn: 1) An honest opinion openly expressed. 2) The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Year, n.: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. Ambrose Bierce
Yogis: Sex addicted skinny granola crunchers who believe that if you can tie your body into a knot you will reach enlightenment through extended orgasms.
Youth: The best time to be rich, and the best time to be poor.Euripides
Zebra: Ze cloth which covers ze breasts of vimmen
Zucchini: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.
Lesson 1 - The Basics
- Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they think they are right and you need to shut up.
- Five minutes: If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. 'Five minutes' is five minutes or less if you have just been given 'five more minutes' to watch the game before helping around the house.
- Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means "a lot ," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with ''Nothing'' usually end in "Fine" (See above.)
- Go ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't do it, you’ll regret this.
- Loud sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."(See above.)
- That's OK: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
- Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
- Whatever: It's a woman's way of saying: "*!#@ YOU"
Lesson 2 - The Tricky Ones
- Pay close attention: there will be a quiz later.
- We need to talk: I need to complain
- You’re ... so manly: You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
- You’re certainly attentive tonight: Is sex all you ever think about?
- I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting!: I’m on my period.
- I heard a noise: I noticed you were almost asleep.
- Do you love me?: I’m going to ask for something expensive. Can occasionally mean the same as 'How much do you love me?' (See below)
- How much do you love me?: I wrecked the car on the parking lot.
- I’ll be ready in a minute.: Kick off your shoes and find a good game on T.V.
- Do you like this recipe?: It’s easy to fix, so you’d better get used to it.
- Was that the baby?: Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
- I’m not yelling!:Of course I am yelling; you aren't paying attention to my all-important complaint.
Lesson 3 - Philosophy
- I need wedding shoes: the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white.
- Be romantic, turn out the lights: I have flabby thighs.
- Are you listening to me!?: Too late, you’re dead.
- You have to learn to communicate: Just agree with me.
- This kitchen is so inconvenient: I want a new house.
- I want new curtains: and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper....., and what about a new house?
- Is my butt fat?: Tell me I’m beautiful.
Lesson 4 - Advanced classes
- Yes: No
- No: No
- Maybe: No
- I’m sorry.: You’ll be sorry.
- You want: You want.... - how can someone be so stupid?
- We need: I want
- It’s your decision: The correct decision should be obvious by now.
- Do what you want: You’ll pay for this later.
- Sure... go ahead: I don’t want you to.
- I’m not upset: Of course I’m upset, you moron!
- Hang the picture there: NO, I mean hang it there! Or there, or somewhere else, so I can gradually make up my mind and order you about the house in the process.
- All we’re going to buy is a soap dish: It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few new pocket books, and OMIGOD those pink sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your checkbook?
Extra class - The answer to "What’s wrong?"
- The same old thing: Nothing
- Nothing: Everything
- Everything: My PMS is acting up
- Nothing, really: It’s just that you’re such an asshole
- I don’t want to talk about it: Go away, I’m still building up steam
fun funny silly quotation crazy joy wisdom jokes